Doctors in Moscow have revealed that an aggressive colon cancer tumour living in the Kremlin has become infected with Vladimir Putin.
It is unclear how the cancer caught the awful dictator, but it is believed that it had been living happily inside one of the many thousands of radiation assassination kits that are stored in Russian government buildings.
The International Red Cross have said they would like to save the cancer, but have warned that the Putin has grown so large that it would be difficult to remove him without killing them both. One spokesman said, "It might be best to leave it alone to ensure that the Putin will die. If we removed the Putin then it might go on to infect another innocent cancer."