The debate is over! Official definition of “Numbnuts” going on record Monday!

Funny story written by Earthvessel

Sunday, 6 June 2021

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Rumford unveils definition of Numbnuts to eager reporters

Winston Rumford is a world-renowned linguist who specializes in off-color slang and derogatory terms. When Rumford learned of the ongoing debate about the meaning of the term “numbnuts” he became resolved to come up with the definitive answer.

He says it didn’t take him long at all. In fact he claims it took only 90 minutes when he sat down and was committed to rolling up his sleeves and digging in.

Rumford held a press conference early this morning to unveil the fruits of his labor. There was no doubting Rumford’s credibility as he spoke with confidence and authority:

“The definition is quite straight-forward for anyone willing to view it with a wide angle and apply their mind in earnest. Our primary objective as humans is to procreate. When a male human has numb nuts, it means he cannot fulfill his purpose and is, in effect, useless. He is of no value to anyone as a member of his species. That’s what numbnutted means; to be useless non-functioning person.”

When he finished, Rumford received an enthusiastic round of applause from the 40 or so reporters, many of whom stood. Everyone in attendance received a copy of Rumford’s notes, that showed his deliberation and thought process, complete with assumptions and a couple of possibilities that were considered, then dismissed. Rumford self-deprecatingly referred to these four pages as his “chicken-scratches”.

The press conference culminated with a telephone call with Carla Hayden, Deputy Librarian with the Library of Congress, who seemed genuinely delighted with Rumford’s definition and agreed to add his work “with much pride” to the public record.

Hayden opined that "this term's popularity is now poised to soar with the clarity of meaning that Professor Rumford has brought to the table."

The librarian ended the call with a good-natured jab at reporters; "I can't say for sure but given the track record I'm sure many of you media members in attendance are hopelessly numbnutted!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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