A quaint Derbyshire village says it is living in fear today as a local spate of egregious trampoline crimes threaten to rage out of control.
Crimes are described as far ranging and go from chipped paintwork to alleged "filthy bouncing".
Former vicar Peter File was the first to raise concerns when he dashed into The Downs, the only pub in the Pins Downs village to scream that someone had deliberately left a scratch on his mobile trampoline, which he showed to concerned patrons.
Drinker Kelly Fingers jumped in to complain that thugs had recently precisely cut away the bouncy netting from her joy toy, leaving it as nothing more than a useless circle.
Widower Betty Stamp says she was robbed of her only remaining pride and literal joy when her trampoline was stolen whilst she slept, insisting that her mornings will never feel the same again.
Local unemployed man Terry Bump, who has no arms or legs, says he was stumping up against his bedroom window into the early hours of a morning when he witnessed a degrading violation made against his trampoline.
Bump says first a man ran into his garden and slapped his old-man off the trampoline, then a woman ran into his garden, superglued a dildo into the centre of the trampoline and was bouncing up and down trying to land on it.
Police chiefs say they are not unduly concerned as trampoline crime statistics do tend to go up and down.