Meghan Markle Says Queen Wanted Her Dead

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 16 March 2021

image for Meghan Markle Says Queen Wanted Her Dead
Why on Earth would the Queen need one of these?

They may be difficult for many people to believe, but the allegations of violent abuse visited upon her by the Queen of England, Elizabeth II, just keep pouring from the mouth of Meghan Markle, like a burst water main.

Speaking in confidence to Oprah Winfrey, Meghan said that not only had the Queen threatened her with imprisonment in the Tower of London, and gone further by actually carrying out a physical assault on her, but there were also numerous other occasions when she felt her life was truly in danger.

Once, claimed Meghan, was when she and Prince Harry were still engaged, and the Queen had clearly got out of bed on the wrong side. Meghan greeted her with a cheery "Good morning, Your Majesty", but the monarch turned around and belted her around the ear with the Royal Poker, which had been in the hearth.

Next, she reached above the mantelpiece, and retrieved an 18th-century cutlass, lobbing off the American's tresses, and leaving her almost bald.

Then, the Queen and Princess Anne - who hates Markle - set about her, raining down punches, and leaving her with two broken ribs.

Another time, the Queen had been hanging a picture of her Corgis on the wall, when, "for no reason at all", she attempted to cave Meghan's skull in with a Ball Hammer.

In January last year, Markle says she woke up to find a horse's head in her bed, and, after England's cricket team had won the World Cup, the monarch smashed her over the back of the head with a cricket bat, which hurt.

During a visit to Windsor Castle, Markle alleges, she had three of her teeth knocked out by the Queen, who was wearing a knuckle-duster. The American said there was a chainsaw in the corner.

And the Duke of Edinburgh wasn't to be left out, either. In a clear indication of just how nasty he really is, he knocked Meghan down in his Range Rover, then drove backwards and forwards over her until she was pulp.

Winfrey asked if there had been witnesses to any of these assaults, but Markle told her:

"There are never any witnesses to Royal atrocities. They're too careful, by far, for that!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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