Knees were braced and teeth tightly clenched as the owners of a satirical news website battened down the hatches today, in nervous anticipation of an avalanche of Harry Maguire-related stories, after the Manchester United and England defender was arrested on suspicion of assaulting police officers on the Greek island of Mykonos.
The 27-year-old United captain employed a number of different assault tactics to bludgeon the local constables into submission, before allowing himself to be led away for autographs.
Handcuffs were not used, as there weren't any big enough to fit around the Yorkshireman's gargantuan wrists.
The website concerned, TheSpoof.com regularly features completely made-up, intimidating and derogatory stories about Mr. Maguire, who earns £140,000 every seven days, and who faces a fine of up to four days pay as a result of an offence that would have landed other, less celubrious* peons in jail for 18 months.
The Spoof's owner, Mark Lowton, is acutely aware of the impending deluge of Maguire material waiting to be dumped into the literary skip that his site has become, and said:
"This, unfortunately, is what happens when a celebrity falls foul of the law. Shit sells, and this is certainly an absolute load of shit."
* made-up word
