47-Year-Old "Brick Shit House" Capable Of Flipping Over Pool Tables And Throwing Random People Directly Through Plate Glass Windows Busted Up Over Online Relationship That Didn't Work

Written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 29 May 2020

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This is when things end!

Wisconsin. Unwilling to confess that he had highly-sensitive 'attachment issues' deeply rooted in the past involving separation from his beloved grandmother during the 'much-needed' formative stages of his development, 47-year-old Craig Gerald, of Eau Claire, broke down in tears like a pathetic little 'sack-of-shit' last Tuesday, when his online relationship with Jill Clemens, 39, of Red Wing, Minnesota, resulted in a breakup.

Despite the fact that he had recently shattered the tendons inside of a random biker's left arm in a match that sent the unfortunate individual directly to a nearby emergency room, Craig crawled into the corner of his single apartment and then curled up like a completely hopeless and introverted 'weener' when Jill said she already a boyfriend and that she wanted to continue dating other men.

"It's just 'unfathomable' that the underling tides of the Universe could tear me away from having a loving soul-mate who could nurture my better tendencies as well as my idealistic endeavors," said the ex-boxer, former marine, and current powerlifting champion, who had (earlier in January) flipped over an entire pool table before sending several people who 'looked at him funny' directly through the glass of a double-plated window at a local Pub & Grill.

"My heart is sensitive, and I just want somebody who can help me self-actualize," the enigma of brute strength and pure aggression added, while forgetting that he had flawlessly driven somebody's head directly into the ground for making a statement that he disagreed with last weekend.

Unable to move on, and feeling unsure of what the future would hold for online relationships that don't involve physical contact and sweet nothings whispered into ears for the purposes of everlasting intimacy, Craig successfully utilized his deeply-rooted (and psychologically-unresolved) issues to pound the shit out of even more people on Thursday. .

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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