Roger Crobb, 39, of Grand Rapids, Michigan, was pulled out of his house last Thursday, and nearly pummeled to death by 23 women who successfully combined their resources and their intellects in order to find out where the cheap, sleazy, non-committal bastard actually lives.
"Oh, my God!"..."Please, no!"..."Not now, I'm busy!" ...and... "I just don't feel ready for anything serious at this point in my life!" were just a few of the statements he pathetically uttered as he was about to join Plenty of Fish.com, before he was pulled away from his laptop and then thrown out onto grass in front of his peaceful residence.
"You looked really cute!" ..."Your statements indicated that you were looking for a one and only true love!"...and "Why weren't you willing to pay a small monthly fee in order to take this relationship to a higher level?" screamed several women, ranging from E-Harmony, Christian Mingle, J-Date, Educated Singles Only, Tinder, Match.com, and a few pornographic sites.
Unwilling to accept the fact that he was just drunk at the time, and didn't really know what he was doing, the gorgeous and single women who felt emotionally-used and totally abandoned by the cheap prick during his unholy '7-to-10-year stretch' of idealistically wandering the internet in search of a soul-mate, finally pounded the ever-living shit out of him, as neighbors and people walking down the street celebrated with joy.
"I'm glad they finally caught up with him," said 65-year-old neighbor, Eunice White, who admitted that she had grown more than tired of Crobb's careless use of google search engines and Facebook in order to gaze helplessly at single, middle-aged, divorced women who may actually be able to balance him out emotionally and psychologically.
"He always took a brief hiatus on Mondays through Thursdays, before tanking himself completely on Friday evenings while refusing to use his credit card to actually meet somebody special with whom he could be intimately involved," she added, as her neighbor of 15 years was wildly (and desperately) screaming for help across the street.
When the horrifying beatings were finally over, Roger limped back into his house, confessed to himself that he would be a changed man from now on, and then drank some more beer before discovering that Silver Singles is actually a 4.5 star dating site with well over 10,000 users.