Facing criticism from multiple observers about his plan to mass-import donkey penises to fight COVID-19, President Donald Trump today addressed the issue at his daily White House press conference.
"You know, even you fake news, left wing, nasty socialist, negative wastes of oxygen masquer ..., musqueradoo ... pretending to be journalists, will know that when I released two hundred and fifty million dollars to import donkey penises that I was just kidding, you know, just being sartascic. I can't imagine anyone thought I was being serious, or that I meant it, no way Hosee."
Asked about the U.S. public's response to the announcement, Trump responded angrily. "Look, I don't like that really stupid and difficult question or the nasty accusation, whichever it is, very, very nasty that one.Yes, I know some people took me seriously, leading to the deaths of twenty thousand donkeys overnight in Texas alone, but I can't help it, it's nothing to do with me. It's just a bunch of dumbass Democrat voters who misheard me, or it's a coincoodunce.., a coinshu..., it's just one of those things."
Trump continued, "Look, if you're gonna keep asking me fake news questions I don't want to answer, all my future press conferences are gonna just involve me and no journalists from now on. Very, very just me and so, therefore, and because, no fake news, no fake news."
Asked why he'd released the two hundred fifty million dollars if he wasn't serious about the donkey penises, Trump again went on the attack. "Look, in case you'd forgotten, I am the President and I decide everything, including how many donkey penises enter our great country. The penises have been part of China's culture, and our culture for centuries, we trade a lot, too much in fact. And I'm not about to change that. It's a nasty topic, very, very nasty topic to be raised at this time, but I am determined to make America great again, and donkey penises are a big part of my plan, a very big part of my plan, but with sarcasm involved too. Conference over, thank you very much."