Unemployed Iowa Man Recognized And Almost Awarded Trophy For Epitomizing Potential Of Self-Entitlement Generation

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 17 August 2019

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Smart Phones Are The Key To Success!

Jeremy Daniels, 25, of Des Moines, was fully recognized and almost awarded a trophy last week for possessing all of the attributes and personal qualities that represent the potential of the current Self-Entitlement Generation in the United States.

Even though it was a huge inconvenience for him to turn the television off while watching a rather bizarre "nature and wildlife documentary" (which involved a topless woman with fake breasts getting down on her knees in the middle of a forest so that four naked male geologists could take turns peeing all over her face), Mr. Daniels was willing to get off the couch and walk all the way to the front door of his parents' house in order receive a congratulatory rosewood, "Certificate of Achievement" plaque, as well as talk to reporters.

During a 5-minute interview that exhausted his attention span, Jeremy stated that the key to his success has involved a rather unique combination of avoiding stressful situations (such as attending community college courses or even working part-time jobs) while being brave enough to voice his opinion in online forums, as well as leave comments on random blogs that he finds to be obtuse, poorly written, hideous, and distasteful.

"The undefinable and complex beauty of my inner-being runs deeper than a heavenly ocean, and my thoughts are a mysterious labyrinth abstract from the heartless nature of obligation and the 'hurried noise' of daily living," the 25-year-old confidently asserted.

"I also really like sex," he boldly added.

With a pregnant girlfriend down the street screaming at him constantly, the 'epitome of fearlessness' continues to conquer the most challenging and loud PlayStation 4 'shoot-em-up' video games while simultaneously absorbing the literary depth of text messages from former lovers such as HEY! and HOW R U?

Despite his meth addiction, his daily vodka consumption, and his constant vaping, Mr. Daniels has a wide following of liberals across the nation who are ready to fight (at any given moment) to support his lifestyle and his need to feel both comfortable with...and totally unoffended by...his surroundings.

After being rudely interrupted by people recognizing him as 'an icon of purity' on Monday, Jeremy was driven to an auditorium on Thursday in a substandard limousine that wasn't going fast enough.

Fully expecting a speech on how the Self-Entitlement Generation should join efforts with the Me Too Movement, loyal fans were disappointed when Jeremy was unable to accept a golden trophy of himself because he had a Monster Energy Drink in one hand and a Smart Phone with beeping messages in the other.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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