Man Was Full Of Wind When He Woke Up This Morning

Written by Monkey Woods

Friday, 2 August 2019

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A 56-year-old man living in southeast Asia has told how he woke up this morning to an incredible 'urge to purge' his tanks, and to release unwanted noxious gases into the atmosphere.

Moys Kenwood claims that he often has to part his cheeks for a good fart when he wakes up, but this morning was "different". He said:

"As soon as I climbed out of bed, I felt like I really needed to expel some wind. I bent my knees, and exerted some downward pressure from my midriff, and there was a trombone blast in the room, behind me."

This was just the start.

"I went down the stairs, farting at each stair, and finished off with a 'quack'. It was most uncomfortable!" he said.

All through his ablutions, and during breakfast, a sense of being close to bursting hung around him with all the evil intent of a burglar casing-out a joint he's about to rob.

Worse was to follow.

"I bottled-up a whole series of expulsions whilst sitting on the motorbike on my way to work. Consequently, when I dismounted, it was only going to be a matter of time before the deferred pumps saw the light of day."

As he entered the school building, several of the reception staff greeted him with a cheery "Good morning!", but as a response, said Kenwood:

"I released a rip-roaring monster fart that almost broke my spine."

Two potential customers, who were enquiring about getting their children into the school, decided to wait until another day, and made haste.

Kenwood loudly 'dropped his guts' again to wish them well.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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