Robber foiled by high decibel flatulence (no signs of epidemic)

Written by joseph k winter

Thursday, 11 July 2019

image for Robber foiled by high decibel flatulence (no signs of epidemic)
This near victim of the crisis says he is weary but will hang in there in the area for the time being

Earlier today Sputnik International broke the news of a sensational arrest in which the culprit nearly escaped.

The culprit had taken refuge behind a tree in the steep wooded terrain of an area that must remain anonymous, according to police, to avert any sudden panic and flight by inhabitants.

Baffled police had no clue as to the man's whereabouts, with the search about to be called off, when a certain sound assailed their ears and led them forward.

The sound was likened to “thunder” and the “enormous explosion” of a passing storm, although the day was clear.

A huge “balloon of gas” had emerged from the hunted man, with accordant rupture of available air space that “broke the silence.”

Police urged, however, that there is no need for the public to take alarm, as happened in a similar case in Hudson Beach, Florida, in 2017.

At that time, concerned residents in the Pasco area complained to police of continuous “loud, booming sounds,” which worried them as possibly “sonic booms” or even “an attack by North Korea.”

However, after investigation, Pasco sheriffs confirmed the sounds were not derived from any type of aircraft or weapons, but from a uniquely different source.

Pasco's Sheriff Nosco indicated the sounds were coming from a resident who had been consuming too much liquid from the beach water itself.

Meanwhile, a line of vehicles seeking to exit the area had led to an unprecedented panic, including traffic jams, vehicles with riders spewing profanities, and fist fights at blocked intersections.

The individual responsible for the noises (who must remain anonymous) later explained that “very noisy bowels” had always been one of his problems.

As with in his speeches at the Hudson Beach Town Hall and the local Rotary Club.

On one occasion, this man said, he had emptied an entire hall of several hundred just because, while he was speaking, the microphone picked up “warning intestinal signs of a possible emergence.”

As to the beach incident, Sheriff Nosco reassured residents the man was being treated with a combination of Pepto-Bismol and Coca-Cola, with noise abatement expected within a few hours.

Federal medical experts have been consulted, and say they do not believe a case of “extremely noisy flatulence” is threatening the nation at this time.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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