Declassified Documents Reveal Hitler's Lack of Facial Hair and Charlie Chaplin Fixation

Written by Paxton Quigley

Monday, 22 July 2019

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"What do you think, mein Volk? Eva gave this to me and it's a perfect fit."

Hitherto secret medical records of the late and much missed Adolf Hitler, aka der Führer, reveal that he was British comedian Charlie Chaplin's greatest fan, and had tried for many years to replicate the film star's moustache, but without success.

Angry that he had been unable to produce enough facial hair, in the early 1930s the then-cuddly Hitler had summoned a crack team of Nazi quacks and ordered them to find a way for him to grow a decent moustache. Even after injections of Dr Josef Mengele's patented monkey glands and bull's testosterone serum, the team was stumped, and, as a last resort, recommended a facial hair transplant.

They then began looking for a donor, and soon found a volunteer in a young Fräulein named Eva Braun, who was willing to donate her pubic hair to der Führer. It was, of course, the beginning of a long, if ultimately doomed, love affair, but der Führer was happy in the knowledge that a piece of his Liebling Eva was always with him. He was known to sniff constantly in moments of stress and to whisper "Eva, du riechst so gut. I'll be home soon to let you ride my moustache."

Herman Goering noted in the last weeks of his diary "I am sick to death of having to watch that Chaplin film The Great Dictator night after night in the Berlin bunker's cinema. I keep telling Adolf that this isn't a documentary, it's poking fun at him, but he just won't listen. He says that satire is the greatest form of flattery, and that, without it, his life would be meaningless. The Arschloch just keeps on laughing. Even Goebbels says he feels like killing himself, but we have to endure it to keep so-called mein Führer happy, or he'll have us taken out and shot. Adolf has promised that it won't be long now until the army comes and saves us from the Russian hordes, Gott sei Dank."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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