British Magistrate Gives Assange a Stern F-ing Warning After Sentencing

Written by C/L

Thursday, 2 May 2019

image for British Magistrate Gives Assange a Stern F-ing Warning After Sentencing
"You are to be placed on immediate laundry duty. Handling the most rife, vial, and disgusting undies in the prison."

LONDON- Julian Assange appeared in a British court on Thursday where he was sentenced to 50 weeks for bail-jumping.

Aside from the matter of extradition to the United States, Assange was given a "stern fucking warning'' by a Westminster magistrate, who he appeared before at a video hearing in Belmarsh Prison.

The magistrate went through a list of what she expected out of Assange during his incarceration there.

"Having read through the accounts of your stay in the Ecuadoran Embassy, furnished to this court by embassy officials, I have some stern warnings for you, Mr. Assange."

"You are going to be kept very busy, Mr. Assange, so that you do not indulge in some of the cross behavior that you indulged in during your asylum in the Embassy."

"You are to be placed on immediate laundry duty. Handling the most rife, vial, and disgusting undies in the prison."

Rumor has it that Ecuadoran officials are paying families of any prisoner who will surrender a very nasty pair of skivvies, at least £50 per pair.

"You will also be placed on toilet detail. Bearing the responsibility for making sure all crappers in the prison are unplugged, and squeaky-clean," the judge remarked.

Ecuadorans are also offering a reward from £50 up to £150 to any prisoner who makes a real putrid mess out of their toilets, and especially foul-overflow or urine puddles on the surrounding floor.

Outside of the magistrates displeasure, the Ecuadorans are planning to get their "indirect-licks" in on Assange, in addition to what has been planned above.

Ecuadorans promise to handsomely reward prisoners who use Assange for face-painting practice, selecting shit as their preferred medium.

They would also like Assange to be used as a "human-mechanical-rabbit" in the prison yard; where buff, ripped, and jacked-up cockneys chase Assange around and take turns sitting on his head after he's been caught.

"I would be very disappointed in the British prison system, if this didn't happen to Assange," an Ecuadoran official added.

This should be a warning to all people applying for asylum to an Ecuadoran Embassy.

"We ain't gonna take no more fucken-shit from any other political refugees, the way we did from Assange. We'll beat some major ass next time!" Stated an Ecuadoran spokeswoman.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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