Renault Remoaner - Our Motoring Correspondent's Review

Written by Doubting Thomas

Friday, 14 June 2019

image for Renault Remoaner - Our Motoring Correspondent's Review
Stops every 20 minutes claiming to know better

Inital Impressions

Good to drive, and seems fairly reliable. First impressions are good but quickly fade due to overbearing cruise control that steps in when you least need it. Controls are simple, as everything is remote-controlled from a shady office in Luxembourg. Stops every 20 minutes claiming you don't know where you're going or why you're going there.

Handling & Drivability

Sadly, has a tendency to refuse to move. Our demonstrator was fitted with Remoaner+, a unique piece of self-driving software that refuses to even open the doors unless you speak fluent German. Having taken an angle grinder to it, we eventually found the Remoaner to be a pleasant and easy car to drive, so long as you're going to Brussels and followed most instructions to the letter, unless you wanted to drive anywhere outside the EU where it promptly shut down and refused to start.

Equipment and Trim

The Remoaner comes as standard with an electronic dash and voice recognition, which seems to be available in all languages except English. The standard satellite navigation is extremely limited and only covers the cities of Paris and Stuttgart. Trim levels come in a range of options from "hopeless MEP" up to "Commissioner" levels. The Commissioner level comes complete with chilled champagne dispenser and several unmarked brown envelopes in the glove box.

Safety and Security

The Remoaner has passed all Euro NCAP tests despite not actually existing. Comes complete with an anti-Brexit alarm, and has a fully-locking safe space. It also comes equipped as standard with 20/20 rear view vision and one year of tax-free banking in Luxembourg.

Running Costs

Purchase prices for the Remoaner start as low as an expensive coffee, but be warned: ongoing running costs, not including fuel or insurance, can run as high as £39bn, or, on occasion, your first-born. Substantial discounts are available for Hipsters and Millennials, but long-term ownership is unlikely to dip below the £80bn-a-year mark. Your investment is also questionable, as, at any time, it is likely to be set on fire by a dickhead French farmer.

Overall Opinion

Well made, but sadly lacks controls, reliability or value for money. An expensive toy only appealing to rich BBC producers, middle-class idiots, or Champagne Socialists. Totally uncontrollable and destined to crash. Do Not Buy
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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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