Written by Wesley Janson

Sunday, 24 February 2019

image for New and Improved Version of Huggable "Vlad The Impaler" Doll to be Released in April

Are teddy bears just not cutting it anymore? Does your heart need something more soothing to cuddle up with at night?

The IMPALED Company is happy to announce that it will be releasing a new and improved version of the Huggable "Vlad The Impaler" Doll that was in stores last December.

The vicious, cruel, intense, psychologically insane, murderous, tyrannical, blood-thirsty prince of 15th Century Wallachia can be yours once again for only 14 dollars and 77 cents.

Unlike the original version, this one has no chord, and it says really creepy things to you in Romanian completely on its own as it slowly walks toward you while lightning rips across the dark sky and thunder crackles with a deafening noise.

Its eyes also move around ominously while repeatedly flashing between the colors of 'bright green' and 'dark red' as it silently watches over you at night.

Brad Smith, 34, of Beloit, Wisconsin, tested out the new version last Wednesday.

"I was just playing some video games when I suddenly noticed that the doll was glaring at me while holding a big steak knife," Brad stated.

"It was so cute," he added.

If you feel lonely and love just doesn't seem to be knocking at your door, then stop listening to soft 1980s love music while crying deeply and touching yourself, and buy the new and improved version of the Huggable "Vlad The Impaler" Doll as soon as you can.

(Lego toy sets of the Hoia-Baciu Forest and plastic, impaled, Ottoman soldiers will be sold separately.)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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