Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 29 December 2018

image for Lonely Man Says Completely Wrong Thing To Woman

United States. Brad Michaels, 34, completely blew it last Friday when he met a gorgeous woman in the supermarket. Shopping by himself and feeling lonely, the most stunning woman he had ever seen, was suddenly shopping right next to him.

He could tell from her gaze that she was interested. She had actually been watching him ever since he walked into the supermarket.

"The whole experience was so magnetic and unreal," he told reporters. "It almost seemed that she was cradling me with her deep, brown eyes. And when I first saw her, and when I looked into those eyes, I could not help but imagine pleasant scenery with birds singing, puppy dogs playing, soft blades of grass blowing gently in the loving wind, and the sun blessing everything with eternal warmth," he explained.

Finding his will power completely subdued as her luminous, heavenly eyes exerted impelling, yet pleasing, dominance over his yearning soul, and the vulnerability of his fragile heart, the gorgeous woman with 'long flowing' brown hair pressed herself up against him, imprisoned him even further with the yearning that was also in her heart, and gently caressed the back of his neck.

She then put her soft, ruby-red lips up against his ear and quietly asked him who he was.

Instead of simply saying, "Hi, I'm Brad," he became extremely nervous and accidentally uttered the words:

"I am an internal entity of truculent capabilities yet an external expression of submissiveness. I am an eternally progressive accumulation of both enormous yet minute phenomena; however, I am also an instantly regressive deconstruction of both expanding yet contracting spontaneity. I am the antithesis of overwhelming substantiality, yet the thesis of a really good history paper. I am a master of reptilian elusiveness, yet a servant of irresponsible randomness, and I also find that while I am the indirect result of a direct cause, I somehow indirectly cause direct results. I am the fulfillment of a permanent, vaporous perceptuality manifested in a solitary, enigmatic form of impermanent reversal."

Sadly, and to his surprise, she then walked away.

"I don't think I should have said that," Mr. Michaels confessed. "I really don't think she's going to come back."

"God Damnit," he added.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more