Beijing Daily news conference:
Chinese Party puppet spokesperson Hu Flung Dung - a recent graduate of the North Korean school of Diplomatic Barking and Frothing at the mouth - shouted at reporters gathered for an update on the Canadian hostage situation
"Canada no flend of China. Canada break law. Canada is numbah wan enema of noble China We will take one hostage every day until you break the law and release Mung Bean Betty our beloved spy/princess"
China also accused the US, UK, EU, Xinjiang and Tibet of siding with the Canadian dogs warning "there will be no more free fortune cookies with any orders under $15. We will teach you gwei-lo dogs a lesson"
On the streets of Beijing local food hawkers were overheard saying "Canadian dogs make good tasty fatty barbecue, better than Chinese and North Korean dog..."
Meanwhile Mung Bean Betty who China claims is being tortured while on bail in her 7 million dollar mansion on Vancouver's ritzy west side made her daily appearance in front of the groveling Chinese media [spies] parked outside her dingy front door.
Claiming she is under stress, Mung Bean Betty or MBB as she has come to be known ordered 5 cheap pizzas for 5 dollars to show her local Chinese supporters how much she loves their love for her. One supposed reporter who complained that he preferred noodle bowls to cheap pizza was whisked away by security and quickly dispatched to a Re-Education camp in a Chinese gulag. His family is now seeking asylum in Canada.
Meanwhile phone lines at local Chinese radio stations have been lighting up with 'patriotic' Chinese complaining about the "lack of human rights in Canada".
When challenged by another caller why they would choose to live in such a terrible country and not in their beloved fatherland, local spokesperson Hoo Yu Kid Ding of Ding Dong Academy of Learning collapsed in laughter "U sumting clazy...who want live China. Canada so much bettah. We bling dodgy money, lie to Immiglation, buy house, no pay tax, lie and cheat .... nobody arrest us. Go back China...nevah."
It is rumored that Hu Flung Dung, who has 8 passports in 8 different names has covertly applied to immigrate to Canada under the Investor Class category having bought a run-down ready-to-demolish home next door to MBB. The house has been registered in somebody's child's name for 8 million. [luckee numbah Ate-Ate-Ate]
Con leader and wannabe PM Andy Schmear wearing an x-tra long Trump style tie which hung down to his knees, claimed in his year-end address that he would "fix things" when he became the leader.
Asked what he would do he said he was reluctant to reveal his ideas as "Trudeau might steal them"