Man Develops 'Burning' Tendonitis After Wiping His Ass Too Many Times

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 29 December 2018

image for Man Develops 'Burning' Tendonitis After Wiping His Ass Too Many Times

Tom Wallace, a 46-year-old Canadian living in the United States, who asked the news team not to reveal his whereabouts in Portage County, Wisconsin, developed burning tendonitis in his right arm, late November, after wiping his ass too many times.

Because he likes to sprinkle 'Chile Habanero Sauce' on everything he eats, including his breakfast cereals in the morning, Tom has been suffering a rather bad case of violent diarrhea for the past 2-5 years.

"It just sprays out of me, and I can't really help it," he told beautiful, 27-year-old, assistant reporter, Jennifer Herring, who seemed somewhat concerned about his health.

"On average, a person usually wipes their ass about 5-10 times after landing a good, solid one," he explained. "But I end up wiping my ass about 75-100 times a day, which has caused agonizing tendonitis to stretch through my upper elbow and into my forearm," he elaborated, much to her chagrin.

Tom went to see local chiropractor, Jim Norton, who asked that his real name, Henry Jereczynski, not be revealed for purposes of reporting.

When told it was tendonitis, Tom became upset and uttered the words, "Oh my God! That's terrible!", right before he shit his pants.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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