Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 19 September 2018

image for North Korea And South Korea Declare War
All the signs were there

The whole world was put on high alert this morning when it was announced that the two Koreas - North Korea and its neighbor in the south, South Korea - have declared war on each other.

There had been high hopes of an amicable agreement yesterday when the two countries' leaders - Kim Jong-un and Moon Jae-in - met in Pyongyang to discuss denuclearisation, but things did not go quite according to plan.

The two met at the airport and embraced, but from that point on, things went on a downward spiral.

To begin with, Mr Kim did not invite Mr Moon to get into the chauffeur-driven limousine first, but the latter seemed to politely shrug this off, giving Mr Kim the benefit of the doubt, and assuming he was 'overzealous'.

When the pair emerged from the vehicle, however, Mr Kim committed his second faux-pas when he inadvertently tapped Mr Moon's ankle as he gained his footing on solid ground - an error which, in Korean folklore, is a sign of 7 years of bad luck. Again, Mr Moon smiled, though he must have been acutely aware of the black clouds forming over the situation.

Next, it was turn of the worried Mr Moon, as he dropped a napkin at dinner, an insult so serious, that Mr Kim's bodyguard felt inside his jacket for his pistol A quick shake of the head from Mr Kim, however, put him at ease. It wasn't until the dessert that things really got out of hand.

Mr Moon's wife asked for a Raspberry Ice-Cream Sundae, but, when her order arrived, the chef had sent her a slice of Cuttlefish Meringue. Everyone stopped eating, and there was an uneasy silence. Then Mrs Moon vomited on the table, a 5th-Century tradition indicating the severest displeasure.

Mr Kim's wife, seeing this, belched; a long, droning belch from the depths of her bowels; a belch which reeked of the fish dish she'd just buried in her stomach; a belch which drew stares from everyone in the room. It lasted 20 seconds. Even small North Korean children are fully aware of the symbolism here: a long belch indicates that the host would like his guest to leave.

When the belch was over, the two leaders of the Koreas rose to their feet, regarded each other solemnly, then nodded. The Cheese and Biscuits course was dispensed with, and Kim and Moon adjourned to an adjoining room with several adjudants. Once there, both men knew there was only one path, and it led to conflict. Declarations of War were exchanged, then Mr Kim and Mr Moon bowed. Mr Moon turned on his heel and left for South Korea, wondering why his infernal wife couldn't have kept her puke down.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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