Written by Gee Pee

Saturday, 11 August 2018

Karlsruhe, Deutschland—A terrified man called police when he was threatened by a squirrel.

The tiny rodent, whom authorities identified as a baby, was in hot pursuit of the victim when police arrived on the scene.

“It was a sight to behold,” one of the officers said, laughing. “I've been a member of Karlsruhe's finest for twenty years now, and this Weichei is the biggest, worst Weichei I've ever encountered.” (In the interests of full disclosure, “Weichei” does not necessarily mean “coward”; it can also be translated as “wimp” or “wuss.”)

According to animal behavior experts (yes, there are such things, or, at least there are things that claim that there are such things), the baby squirrel had probably lost its mother and fixated on the man as a replacement.

The problem was that the terrified Weichei lacks the maternal instinct. “I don't need or want a baby, rodent, human, or otherwise,” the panicked Weichei declared, as he wiped perspiration from his brow with the back of his trembling hand.

The exhausted squirrel collapsed on the street soon after authorities arrived, and he was taken into custody, charged with stalking, harassment, and “anything else we can pin on him,” Sargent Josef Schmidt said.

UPDATE: In a stunning reversal of affairs, all charges have been dropped against the suspect, and the squirrel, which has been given the name “Sciuridae,” has been adopted as the mascot of the Karlsruhe Police Department. The Weichei was unhappy about this turn of events. “I want that squirrel prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law!” he said. “It may look 'cute,' but, in fact, it's a vicious little beast. I could have bitten or clawed — and it has beady eyes!”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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