Written by mikewadestr

Sunday, 25 February 2018

image for Squirrel Awarded Hand Gun To Protect Himself From Hawk
I lock and loaded and ready to fire.

Rocky Squirrel celebrated a victory in a Portland, Maine court today by being awarded the right to not only obtain a handgun but, also, to get a concealed hand gun permit. After the verdict Rocky hugged his lawyer Jerry Meisterfibber as well as his long time cohort, Bullwinkle Moose.

The case was filed because Rocky Squirrel was denied a gun and a concealed weapons permit to protect himself from a hungry hawk who was threatening to kill and eat Rocky. He initially tried to get a restraining order against the hawk but was turned down with the judge citing “natural selection”.

Rocky won the gun trial by his lawyer claiming that natural selection only pertains to animals on strictly vegan diets and not those that are carnivores or omnivores. He argued that “a hawk is a carnivore and a squirrel an omnivore due to the fact that squirrels have been known to eat meat. Thus, the linguistics tell us a squirrel is protected under the second and a half amendment. Now if a tomato kills a grape the linguistics of this argument tell us the grape deserved to die and is not protected by the second and a half amendment and by virtue of natural selection the tomato gets to eat the grape”.

The defense argued that the real reason Rocky Squirrel wanted a gun is the kill his longtime nemesis Boris and Natasha. They argued that actual hawks cannot kill cartoon characters. They, also, wondered why Rocky Squirrel had rights seeing that he is completely animated.

The judge responded that a lot of animated people have a right to own a guns. He used his cousin Ned as an example saying: “Uncle Ned gets excited and animated whenever someone throws gasoline on the bar-b-que”.

As of press time it has been learned that Rocky and Bullwinkle celebrated their victory by getting drunk and shooting up a brassiere factory.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Guns, Squirrel

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