Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 7 July 2018

With loads of horrible sadness, despair, and unfathomable amounts of depression wreaking pure and unholy havoc on his heart and his mind, Roger Mann, 34, took an elevator to the top floor of an abnormally tall building last Thursday.

Believing that his girlfriend and the woman of his dreams had cheated on him, and that she didn't love him anymore, he climbed to the roof of the building and prepared to take a fatal leap.

After the agony and the excruciating pain had penetrated his soul to the point that he could no longer endure, he leaned slightly forward and whispered a silent prayer.

(At that particular moment, his smart phone rang. It was his girlfriend. She told him that she loved him, that she was not cheating on him, and that everything was OK.)

Roger felt tremendous amounts of happiness and glee in his heart, but just as he was preparing to climb back off of the roof, a bird flew right past his face and caused him to fall off anyway.

He smashed into a window ledge on the way down, which caused him to spin around in a rather intense counter-clockwise fashion right before he landed on the ground.

Surprisingly OK at that point, he picked himself up, dusted himself off, and prepared for his bright new future right before a giant truck full of fertilizer hit him at 100 miles per hour.

His funeral service will be held at St. Bob's Catholic Church next Friday.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Local, Funeral




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