A US Presidential advisor has said that Donald trump intends to visit the UK "sometime in 2018", and that the change of plan had "nothing to do with" the giant wooden middle finger that was constructed in Birmingham to welcome his jet.
Mr Trump was due to visit during 2017 to coincide with the ritual "Killing of the Homeless Party" that the Tories throw after each election win. He has however decided that he has more important things to do instead. Mr Trumps a busy man and he knows Americas media thrives on his quotes and sound bites so he is dedicating himself to creating them. Well them and golf.
The Trumpster was originally invited by the Queen because she also wears something stupid on her head. It was thought they would discuss foreign aid, improving trade and the threat of the white Walkers coming down from Scotland.
The Queen had invited Mr Trump down for a State Visit, so he could be shown what a fucking state most of the country is in. State visits are notoriously grand occasions with millions being spent on the pomp and pomposity surrounding them. Parades, feasts, concerts and all manner of amazingly expensive things will be on show. All things that would probably be largely spoilt if an army of protestors turned up to yell at the weird orange man from the United States.
Mr Trump has made it clear he doesn't want to visit anywhere that may harbour protests against him. Which judging by the look on Ivana's face half the time could well mean his own kitchen.