London, UK, England - You can buy anything and connect it to the internet these days; TV's and microwaves, toilets and toasters. Even the latest artificial leg comes with online capabilities and is part of our new world's Internet Of Things.
Now, Mr. Evan Youngbone, is wondering if all this I.O.T. nonsense, keeping track of his every step via satellite, is all worth it, after facing a London court on 787 counts of assault on over 360 people in London's West End.
"Like I told the Police Constables piled on top of me that night, it was all the robot-leg's fault. It wasn't me!" pleaded the very sorry defendant from the witness box. "The high-tech leg I received after my car accident was hacked, probably by the Russians, causing it to go completely bonkers; kicking people all over the place! For almost an hour, I couldn't control the damn thing. It dragged me through the streets. It's like it suddenly had a mind of it's own. And it wanted to kick people really, really badly!"
"I was kicked three times in the shin, very, very hard," cried the first badly-bruised witness, Iris Lillyham (87) of Bumholeshire, near where Mr. Youngbone's kicking rampage first started. "I'll have to start using my cane again because of that man... and I hate my cane, it's very slippery when it's raining.. and I don't like the rain... because that's slippery too," added the lonely victim, who claimed that she didn't believe a word about this strange, futuristic leg being at fault; but, who also had absolutely no idea how to turn on the iphone her son had bought her for emergencies. "He had a big grind on his face!" claimed Mrs. Lillyham, regarding the attacker. "I believe he was loving every second of it!"
Mr. Youngbone's appointed lawyer is arguing that it's clearly Corninghamshire Hospital's fault, and the doctor's who first attached his client's fake leg, claiming that they never bothered to change the default password of: 1111, which comes standard with each artificial leg, (which are also suspiciously made near the Crimea River in the former Ukraine.) "This poor man was a sitting pigeon for the Russians," charged the lawyer to the courtroom, "He never even stood a chance!"
Mr. Youngbone then got up and hopped back to his lawyer's side, not wanting anything to do with his new high-tech appendage. "I'm getting fitted for a nice old-fashion wooden one, thank you very much," The defendant told reporters during a recess. He also plans on going thrift-store shopping for a new toaster and vacuum cleaner this weekend, too. That is, if he's not getting ass-raped in prison.
"I'm afraid I wouldn't get on very well in there-" said the worried kicker on the subject of jail, not thrift-stores. "Look at me, I'm very easy to catch and pin down. If I drop the soap, I'm bloody knackered, aren't I, mate. But thrift-shopping I'm very handy at, if I don't say so myself. Quite a bargainer, I am. I bet they'll knock a few quid off an old hoover, for a man with a used wooden leg!"