New Startup W&P raises 12 million in funding

Written by realwritercarl

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

New technology startup W&P announced today that they have raised 12 million in funding from private investors. The smartphone app is fighting to become the first of its kind. W&P, which stands for Wiped and Pretty, tracks the progress of users as they wipe their ass and sends them a push notification once it is clean.

"We want to make the world a better place - with cleaner asses for everyone," said CEO Ron Butchkins, who said that he came up with the idea after his wife complained exactly 33 times that he wasn't wiping his rear end enough.

W&P solves an essential issue in today's world - and the modern bathroom has been left completely untouched thus far by the technological revolution, so there is plenty of room for growth. According to a survey conducted by W&P itself, roughly 57% of the U.S. population does not know how to determine if they've wiped well enough. Furthermore, of those 57%, 75% said they did not have the time to take a class in ass management.

"It's not just a learning issue, it's a time issue. Everyone is so busy nowadays, they don't have the time to constantly look back there, so the app does that for them," Butchkins said.

Butchkins highlighted a key feature of the app, which is a photo sensor that snaps a picture of the ass when it is wiped and pretty. Butchkins said that the user then has the option to rate the picture, and over time the app will compare saved pictures and adjust its functionality to fit the highest rated picture.

"It's all about the quality of the service," said Butchkins. "And if the user, like myself, has trouble determining if their ass is completely clean, we recommend showing the picture to a friend or loved one."

At this time, W&P is operating only in North America, but working to quickly expand its services to other markets such as Asia, Europe, Africa, South America, Australia, and Greenland.

"We want to make this service accessible to everyone," said Global Operations Officer Ted Heiny. "So it doesn't matter if you're Swedish, or Mexican, or Brazilian, or a New Zealander. Whatever your nationality is, we want to make your heiny wiped and pretty."

At the time of the announcement, CEO Butchkins noted that his assistant was already making plans for him to travel to several of these exotic locations, using a sizeable chunk of that 12 million.

"I need to research their culture," Butchkins said. "Taste their wine, drink their beer, lie on their beaches, and most importantly, wipe my ass on their toilets."

Asked if the app is profitable yet, Butchkins said it wasn't. However, he also said that it didn't matter because "those dummy investors already gave me 12 million dollars."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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