Suicide Bombers, Meet the "Bomburkalizer"

Funny story written by Harry Klondike

Monday, 29 August 2016

image for Suicide Bombers, Meet the "Bomburkalizer"

Tel Aviv; Israel: A new contraption may save scores of lives across the Middle East and the Western World from the menacing terror of suicide bombers. Israeli scientist have invented a device that fits fashionably on the human body, allows full unencumbered mobility, and can be put on and removed in mere seconds. It's function is to ensure the safety of the general public from any shrapnel and blast shockwave resulting from a detonation of a wearable explosive weapon.

How It Works:

1. A selected person (profiled as PSC or "Potentially Self Combustible") is brought aside after entering a department store. They quickly slide their head through a comfortable nylon turtleneck


2. As the person stands the device is dropped; this unfurls two square soft packs about the size of note book paper and 3" {7.6cm} thick on both the chest and mid back of the wearer.

3. A gray nylon canvassed hoop is the finishing fashion touch; the hoop tubing is about 5" {12.7cm} in circumference while the hoop's inner area is 10' {3.2m} in circumference. This drops gracefully around the midsection of the wearer. All above mentioned components are tethered around the turtleneck with 800 warp-strand polyester material.

4. If all goes well the person, prior to exiting the store will simply have the device lifted hoop-first in a hermetically sealed blast resistant chamber by a robotic arm and off they go. However, if the unthinkable were to happen here is how lives would be saved:

How It Saves the Public

Once an explosive is detonated a series of heat sensors in the straps begins the activation. Heat will reach the sensors before any jolt or atmospheric disturbance occurs.

In tandem both the front and back panels expand in .08 micro seconds unfurling a 6"x8' {15.2cmX2.24m} convex kevlar shield on both sides of the person. The hoop deploys a similar material only it is blown out latterly, leaving what resembles a tubular raft which tapers to a 1" {2.54cm} hole at the top and bottom of the device. In some ways it resembles two warheads glued together at the center.

This would happen so quickly that from the vantage point of the public- the person would be there and then a gray bicone canvass simply appears in place of the terrorist. There would however, be a noise by way of a low thump (like what a passenger hears while someone outside of a car slams it's trunk/boot closed)

Many countries have shone great interest in the product. Germany on the other hand has rejected it outright. Angela Merkel said it was not the answer. "Fear and shields do nothing- we must see this through- it is my obligation!" Most in Germany wish she would be so obliged as to drop her security detail and live with the regular Germans to see if then her mind would be changed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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