Theresa May in anticipation of becoming Britain's next Prime Minister sent a copy of her inaugural speech to her friend Hillary Clinton which is how we managed to get it. Here it is in full.
"Mister Speaker, honourable ladies and gentlemen. There will be new changes to this House now that I am in control. For starters, I want new drapes and a softer colour scheme for our front benches. Sexual impropriety in the gents toilets will no longer be tolerated even among fellow Freemasons. Likewise, cocaine snorting and glue sniffing.
Now to our most pressing concern... incontinence knickers. Some members have them, some don't; but we propose that such garments be made compulsory and be included in the member's annual expense budgets. Likewise, hairdos and foot massages. Proper air conditioning must be installed...a...s...p.
The Honourable Winston Churchill was known for his flatulence and we honour him for it. But we are moving in modern times, Mister Speaker, and a chorus of farts from the back benches while serious matters concerning the displacement of millions of people in the Far East all headed in our direction is no laughing matter. I see the Honourable Member for East Anglia sniggering, the fat bastard. Put a cork in it Cecil... have mercy on the House for Christssakes! Wanton parliamentary flatulence is not a tradition I, for one, am prepared to die for.
We are living in a brave new world, at least those of us who can afford it, where thanks to genetic engineering and recent discoveries concerning gravitational force fields, old Empire flatulence by which we subdued the indigenous peoples of Africa, Australia and India will be rendered obsolete as a political deterrent. Yes, Honourable Members, the Colonial Fart has had its day. It has reigned supreme in this House and, more so, in the House of Lords for many years... where, even as I speak, Mister Speaker, cumulonimbi of putrid gases emitted by dozing Masons encircle the chamber to stifle rational debate... a low blow, you could say... but all good things must come to an end... if you will excuse the pong.... I mean pun. We must restore decorum and good manners to this House whatever the consequences. Flatulence gone, take heart that we still have British diplomacy which is every bit as effective. Let us replace covert biological warfare Mister Speaker with self-control and Lavender spray. And I know I speak for many who have not yet succumbed to respiratory disease, existential despair or, worse still,... socialism.
As for speech time, now televised as you know, we should all take our cue from our greatest weapon against the Muggles... the BBC. Members must learn to move in mock harmony, use gestures more effectively and put major emphasis on every second word, wear proper makeup, never blink at the camera and always hold the chin erect. That is how the world views us. I have in fact commissioned some personnel to train the Honourable Members in these simple techniques... techniques I may add that are well known to every, political, half-baked confidence trickster in the world. Believe me, I know what I am talking about; I have just returned from Northern Ireland.
We are delighted to say that the Chilcot Inquiry was tough in its exoneration of our old business partner Tony Blair,... wherever he is. The notion that our own Prime Minister was nothing but a tool of Anglo-American oil barons and Zionist political power interests in the Far East egged on by a lunatic called George Bush and his madder son and sorcerer's apprentice George W.Bush has been finally laid to rest. The two and a half million words report has proved conclusively that nothing could have been further from the truth. I would expect Tony to send a thank you card to his good friend Gordon Brown for selecting the members for the Inquiry.