Everyone has done it at one time or another: sometimes you're in public and you just have to trump; and sometimes it's on the London Underground in peak traffic when you have to chuff. Then what do you do?
This reporter looked for people who regularly ride the Tube to find out what people do if they have to fart on public transport.
So what happened? Some people considered even asking the question as rude. Some said they didn't care and even let a fart rip as they said so. But the majority of people this reporter talked to were glad to share at least their stories even if they were shy about actually sharing their foulest body emissions in public.
Find A Scapegoat
Finding a patsy to pin your flatulence on is the number one strategy people shared.
Chloe Finely a 23 year old from Westminster talked about an incident on the Tube.
"One time there was this bloke, an old fellow and they are always farting anyway. Well I waited for the noise of the doors to hide the sound and just let this ghastly fart go and then moved away from him. I should say I had had a big breakfast and then Italian for lunch so it was as bad as you could imagine. Everyone started looking around and then moving away from the old fellow, except this scrote who started yelling at him and punched the old geezer in the head. Then a couple of footballers took the scrote off of the old man. It was all pretty funny starting from a fart, but I felt bad about the old bloke getting hit in the head."
The IED Fart--Incognito Emission Discharge
This strategy is similar to the Find A Scapegoat, except the perpetrator farts in an empty space and leaves quickly before other people walk into their fart stink and identify them as the perpetrator.
Mark Dowder of Chelsea admitted that he has used the IED strategy more than once on the Underground.
"Well, yes I've left misery packages behind as I've exited the car, I really felt sorry for whoever was stuck riding that car, but you do what you can do..."
The Revenge Fart
Not everyone is shy about farting: Charles Drago from "here and there" said he doesn't care about farting anywhere or anytime and once farted in the face of a man who was seated on the Tube.
"It wasn't a random fart in someone's face," Drago said, "I'm not that hard, but this old codger is going on and on about how some people shouldn't be allowed out in public and the way some people dress and comport themselves is a disgrace, and he's really annoying me and the other passengers, so I just farted in his face. Everyone laughed at him, well he wanted to fight someone he was so angry, but I told him to sit and shut up, and he just went quiet."
Book In The Making
Many of the stories from the tooters on the Tube are to be included in this reporters new book Fart Stories, a humorous collection of stories with flatulamce as the main plot driver.