"No more immigrants!" says the Prime Minister

Funny story written by Whistleblower

Sunday, 24 January 2016

In a statement to a group of unbiased human-only media reporters this morning, the Australian Prime Minister, Mr Malcolm Turnbull, announced that, despite UN orders, Australia will not be accepting its usual input of thousands of extra-terrestrial immigrants this year.

Mr Turnbull told his audience that the number of such immigrants is diluting the Australian people. According to the latest unbiased census there are more extra-terrestrials in Australia than the total population of the country. These figures have caused much unrest in the human population, and extra-terrestrials have been justifiably abused and vilified in some cities. Their claims that they only want to live in peace, and that the name of their home planet, Zxgte, means 'peace and submission' have been ridiculed.

Mr Turnbull repeated the statement he made in Parliament yesterday that he will not be influenced by terrorist activities by the extra-terrestrials. He said that their cries of "Discrimination!" were silly and to be ignored. He said "We are not discriminating against them. We just don't want them." He added that Australia has too many of them and they should be sent somewhere else. He suggested Antarctica as a possible settling place for them. He said that since they come from a planet that is closer to their sun than the Earth is to ours and hotter they should settle very well there. "The cold will be very good for them" he said, "and will keep them from outbreeding the human population of Australia and the rest of the world."

It appears that Mr Turnbull was referring to a recent unbiased news item in The Sydney Midday News which claimed that the extra-terrestrials are conspiring to take over the world by outbreeding the human population. The article also claimed that the extra-terrestrials' aim is to convert all of the Earth's population to their own religion - by force if necessary. According to the extra-terrestrials, the article claimed, "it will be for their own good, and will bring peace to the world when everyone submits".

In reply to Mr Turnbull, the leader of the extra-terrestrials said that the claims that they wanted to take over the country and the world "are despicable lies". He said that just because they have very big families and belong to a militaristic religion that tells them that they are better than anyone else, are destined to kill off all unbelievers and rule the universe did not mean that they are bad people. "We are entitled to our religious beliefs just like anyone else." he said, "Our religion tells us that it is good and holy to use terrorism against non-believers, which is all we are doing."

In a vote in Federal Parliament, yesterday morning, the majority of Members agreed with Mr Turnbull. The Leader of the Opposition said "We agree with him." The Coalition of Independent Members said "We agree with him." So it looks as though the Prime Minister has the full support of Parliament in whatever steps he decides to take to keep the extra-terrestrials out. It has not yet been decided what will happen to those already living in Australia.

Security forces and Police are on standby in readiness for any unrest or demonstrations. They are authorised to shoot any terrorist-looking extra-terrestrials on sight. The leader of the Police, Commissioner Ned Kelly, said that his people were ready to take whatever drastic steps were necessary to keep the extra-terrestrials under control and would do their utmost the protect any humans threatened by them. "We are all armed and ready" he added.

Responses to a telephone survey taken by our unbiased reporters this morning revealed that most humans in Australia want the extra-terrestrials out. "We aren't safe. Our daughters will be raped and we will be murdered in our beds if they are allowed to stay in the country." said a typical unbiased respondent. The common unbiased response was that "everyone knows that they are ignorant peasants who just want to take over the world and are outbreeding humans like animals." No extra-terrestrials were interviewed in the survey as it was thought that their opinions would be too biased in their own favour to be of any interest to our human readers.

Watch the Seven O'clock News at seven o'clock tonight for an unbiased update on the situation.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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