Written by Tommy Jokes

Monday, 7 December 2015

image for Heaven Running out of Virgins

With war raging in the Middle East and terror attacks happening with greater frequency all over the world, heaven is starting to run out of virgins. According to the Koran, every Jihadist who dies is promised 72 virgins, but ever since the Syrian civil war started in 2011, the number of jihadists dying has increased tenfold, yet the number of virgins dying has actually decreased over the same period of time. According to the angel Nakir, "When we made this rule we never thought jihadists would be dying with such frequency. We assumed most would be too afraid to go through with a suicide bombing." He adds, "I guess we underestimated what lengths guys will go to to get laid."

Heaven is now overwhelmed with jihadists expecting to be met with virgins, though these expectations often aren't met. "The problem is that each time a virgin is slept with, they're no longer a virgin. So we can only use them each once," says angel Raqib. "We actually have plenty of virgins. The problem is, they're either children or babies. And that's obviously forbidden here."

As of right now there is no easy solution. Some angels have introduced a plan that would change the wording to say 72 women, instead of 72 virgins, but to many jihadists, that is simply not acceptable. "We were promised 72 virgins. Not 72 women. If we can't get our 72 virgins I don't know if we'll even want to kill infidels anymore," says ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi. But according to Nakir, "They don't really have a choice. Once the virgins are gone, that's it."

Another proposal is also gaining traction among top angels which allocates at least 5 virgins in each group of 72 women. That way jihadists are guaranteed some virgins, just not 72. "We estimate that will be enough to last us till 2030. Then, if the suicide bombings don't stop, we simply won't have anymore virgins to go around," says Nakir.

Hopefully changing the wording now will quell the violence back on earth, since jihadists won't be willing to kill themselves if they're only getting 5 virgins, and the problem will solve itself. Allah was unavailable for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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