The Dark Side of Premium Blenders

Funny story written by Harry Klondike

Thursday, 18 June 2015

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Washington DC: The FBI has stated that it will begin to track sales of all premium home blender purchases, but the public will not be inconvinced in any way. Special Agent Martin Hanes stated that, "We're openly letting the public know this for the purpose of transparency. This isn't an NSA snoop operation. If you buy a blender using a charge or debt card that cost in excess of $250 USD then your information will be stored, passively I might add, in our database."

The specifics of the report target two blenders in particular. The Vita-Lift and Vita-Lift Pro which retail for $300 and $600 USD respectively. These products are commonly known as "juicers" and will turn just about anything into a puree. This, as it turns out, is specifically the problem. Organized crime units have been turning to these new gadgets for the morbid purpose of corps disposal. Two recent warehouse raids found essential slaughter houses in Chicago Illinois and El Paso Texas.

An undercover DEA agent said, "In the desert we spotted a giant tarpaulin and inside saw rows of what totaled to be 57 blender motors lined on pristine metal tables. Giant blue drums were there where the pitchers and blades were soaking in a solvent.... that's all we found. Everything smealt strongly of bleach and there were generators there that powered motors. An elderly resident who had obviously been threatened said that there was a temporary smoothie business operating there for people who were hot and thirsty."

-Bloomberg to the Rescue-

Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg has sprung to action with his "Kitchen Aware" campaign. It's purpose is to outlaw the sell of any blender no matter the price unless the person has proof they are a chef. This campaign is also aiming to ban pressure cookers and metal knives that lack the "stab-proof" design. One of Bloomberg's representative's said, "...he's appalled at the report of new lingo in the New York/New Jersey area that someone is "gonna get juiced, rather than whacked" if the mafia is planning a "hit". His every waking hour is dedicated to what can be done to save lives. The repeated conclusion he comes to is more restrictions. We believe the public benefits and endorses every rule, regulation, tax, fine, and penalty he has ever suggested."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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