Don't Double-Park in Finland

Written by Paul Blake

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

image for Don't Double-Park in Finland
Trains carry hoards of young Finners to the border of Russia to repay traffic violations

Helsinki, Finland - If you're rich, and you live in Finland, don't get caught breaking the law in your car. That's the message sent by the Finnish government, as fines are given based on your income. Don't tell this to Saku Longfardts, owner of the Longfardts' Sauna Company. He was caught doing eighteen miles over the legal speed limit near downtown Helsinki, for a staggering fine that totaled over fifty thousand euros! "Yeah, that got me pretty steamed up at first, but I guess it's good for society,!" said a passive Longfardts, who was signing the large check and passing it over to an ice fairy behind the counter at the courthouse.

But if your not rich in Finland, and you still prefer to drive creatively, the fines get a little more obscure in this sharing society than just plain dollars and cents. For instance, an elderly woman who forgot to turn her left turn signal on, was made to knit fifteen wool sweaters and give them away to the needy. "It took me nearly an entire year to complete those sweaters, and when I was all finished, there weren't even any needy around to give the sweaters to!" said Ehrna Fjordhurl. The government decided in the end to give the perfectly made sweaters to some sick penguins at the zoo. "Oh well, I feel now that I have repaid my debt to society," said Fjordhurl, whose elderly fingers were still raw from all that knitting.

But others in this egalitarian society are starting to wonder why so many young men and women are being forced onto red trains to repay such meager offenses. Indeed, with their stoic and usually unquestioning attitudes, thousands of young Finners are being transported to the border with their neighbor country, Russia. Given nothing more than a few tins of sardines, a finely crafted bayonet, and a little map of the western edge of their neighbors country, conspicuously covered in blue crosses by permanent marker, with the words: New Finland written across it.

"Jeez, I knew parking in a handicap space was a bad thing to do," admitted Aakko Hakkenin. "But, I guess, who am I to question annexing the neighbors - if that will make things right with me and society," he said, in line to get his head shaved. "I really have little aptitude for knitting and sewing... so it's better I go kill the neighbors. I guess it makes more sense, when you think of society as a whole," he said reflectively.

Writer's note: Immediately following our interview with Mr. Hakkenin, we returned our rental car and got the fuck out of Finland as quick as humanly possible.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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