Hadron Collider Discovers God

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Saturday, 7 March 2015

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Finally, Science has Solved the God Puzzle.

The scene was reminiscent of a European Cup soccer final as hundreds of scientists leapt into the air screaming and shouting and hugging each other as sheaves of paper drifted through the air.

It all happened at their research centre in Geneva at the critical moment when they first heard the incredible news.

Most of the activities at CERN are currently directed towards operating the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), and the costly experiments designed for it. Twenty countries foot the annual bill for running the collider eighteen of them EEC members.

It lies in a tunnel 27 kilometres in circumference, 175 metres (574 ft) beneath the Franco-Swiss border near Geneva, Switzerland. It is also the largest machine ever built.

The first beam was circulated through the collider on the morning of 10 September 2008. The second beam, scheduled for six minutes after three that afternoon, was suspended due to the Project Control Manager Herr Otto Von Kryon having to ' cry off ' due to an unexpected bout of chronic diarrhoea. It was rumoured he had ingested contaminated lobster for lunch.

And what was the reason for this morning's euphoria? After years of struggle they had at last found what they call "The God Particle".

Our reporter from "Delusional Eggheads' Monthly" visited Herr Kryon at his mansion just outside of Lucerne to hear more about this earth shattering discovery.

Q: Can you explain more about the God particle?
A: It is difficult. The particle has inhuman intelligence. It directs the logical arrangements of all forms of matter in the universe. It controls evolution. And makes damn good wine if I may say so. It is what we have called hitherto Dark Matter.
Q: So the God Particle is really God?
A: Yes, the God Particle is everywhere and nowhere. It is a singularity. It creates and directs all energy in the cosmos. It is God.
Q: Really? And what do you propose to do next?
A: We are going to make Him an offer He cannot refuse.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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