Christlam - The New World Religion Unveiled

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Following his visit to the Holy Land in May last year when he prayed at the Wailing Wall and celebrated mass in the Cenacle, (the hall on Jerusalem's Mount Zion), Pope Francis called a meeting of the world's religious leaders to his rooms at the Vatican. "Such visits to the rooms are always on religious matters", according to the Pope's spiritual advisor and Head of Marketing, Jesuit Fr. Hamschel Profiteri.

It was a momentous meeting between all the heads of the World Religions. Also invited was Theodore Alright former Head of the CIA and now director of Scientology. With him was his secretary, the actor Tom Cruise. High ranking Muslim leaders with their attendant Muftis, the Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby, the leaders of all the other branches of Islam, Christianity and Buddhism including the Dalai Lama were also present. The meeting lasted four days.

Little was disclosed about the conference until now.

The Pope's personal valet Julian Finnegan, as he was cleaning the rooms some time later, discovered notes lying on a desk in the Pope's own handwriting. He photographed them immediately before filing them away: And thought nothing more of it; until, he decided one day, to download the information onto his computer.

To his amazement, what he was looking at was a blueprint for the One World Religion dreamt of by Francis's predecessors Popes Paul II and Ratzinger. Without delay Finnegan emailed the information to the editor of the Catholic Paper, OAC Weekly whose title means "ordo ab chao " or "out of chaos comes order". In any case, the editor Giuseppe Iago who was not available for comment, did not publish the text.

Nobody knows why, but shortly afterwards Mr.Finnegan met with a fatal accident when he fell down a flight of stone steps on his way home from work. However, Mr. Finnegan's wife Fidelia gave us a copy of the text and so we can reveal what Francis jokingly called "The New Ten Commandments".

(1). The new world religion based on the doctrines agreed to at the meeting will be called CHRISTLAM.
(2). Catholics would be called Christlamists.
(3). The new Pope will be called the Popam.
(3). His headquarters will be in Jerusalem, renamed "Jerusalam".
(4). Christlam will be ruled by a leader selected by a general synod of all the leaders of the main religions.
(5). It will be explained to the faithful that there never was a Jesus nor twelve Apostles nor a St. Paul. The whole thing was made up by Roman spin doctors working for the senate as a way of establishing a binding creed for the Roman Empire that the masses could not dare dispute under pain of exile (ie, excommunication) or death. It was created to keep the peace until the day would come when the truth could at last be revealed. That day has arrived.
(6). The only God is Man and this is His Home and it will be ruled according to the needs and wishes of His intellectual elite who alone know how to govern the world.
(7). No opposition in any form will be tolerated.
(8). Christlam will be the binding doctrine of the One World Government that it serves.
(9). A new bible will be written, founded not on superstition or folklore, but on scientific fact. It will be written by scientologists under guidance from the Popam and his advisors.
(10). One will no longer be baptised into the Church: One will "chipped" into it.... at birth.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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