The Biosphere Reportedly on Life Support

Funny story written by Matt Birkenhauer

Saturday, 15 November 2014

image for The Biosphere Reportedly on Life Support
Biosphere, in His Prime

EARTH--The Biosphere, the global sum of all the ecosystems on Earth, is reportedly on life support, says its children Geosphere, Hydrosphere, Cryosphere, and Atmosphere.

Biosphere, which has been suffering from a number of terminal conditions for decades--including acidification of its seas, global warming, species depletion, the trashing of its oceans, and the dumb asses who comprise President Trump's cabinet and a majority of the House of Representatives in the United States--is apparently on its last legs and, given the acceleration of climate change over the next fifty years, can no longer sustain itself on its own.

Says Biosphere's oldest daughter, Cryosphere, "Dad has been hanging on by a thread for years now, and--with the Koch brothers promoting the burning of fossil fuels at an alarming rate and now President Trump pulling out of the Paris Climate Agreement--he was just about ready to throw in the towel." She sadly shook her head and continued: "His attitude toward the end was, 'Fuck them. If they can't take care of their own planet, why the hell should I even care! I'm giving up.' Then he just turned to the wall and quit breathing. That's when we called 911."

Added Atmosphere, the youngest in the family: "At that point, EMT's from the United Nations Ecosystem Management Department tried to administer life-saving procedures to revive Dad, but the Trump Administration sent in their lawyers to stop the EMTs from, as they put it, 'imposing burdensome regulations that might diminish the power of the free enterprise system to provide jobs for hard-working, God-fearing families all over the developed world.'"

At that point, a comatose Biosphere was simply taken to the nearest hospital and put on life support. Said James Inhofe, the Senator from Oklahoma who spews more methane out of his mouth than all the cattle in his state combined: "Taxpayers should not have to foot the bill of keeping a moocher like Biosphere alive for another day! This is just one more example of the overreach of big government under the tyranny of Obamacare and the Environmental Protection Agency! Let the old codger die."

Tweeted President Trump, on hearing of the worsening condition of the Biosphere, "So sad!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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