What The Buck?!? The Root Of All Evildoers, As Otherwise Added Up Accordingly Before Being Even More Unofficially Rearranged (Keep The Change)

Written by John Peurach

Wednesday, 19 November 2014


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for What The Buck?!? The Root Of All Evildoers, As Otherwise Added Up Accordingly Before Being Even More Unofficially Rearranged (Keep The Change)
What Is-Is. What was-was. Still not sure why, maybe just because.

AMMANBEINGAMMAN, Jordan - Sure, according to a significant amount of strategic unnamed sources (typically those without any sort of sufficiently accumulated sooner or later go-to funds, hopefully designated for any and all doomsday styled rainy days hell bent on impolitely presenting themselves, via whichever suddenly well past-due timeframe quickly proves to be dramatically necessary, and/or, just decidedly unavoidable, in an anything but wacky, you know what out of luck way - but that's another story) money is commonly viewed as the preferred (especially when robustly stashed away accordingly in interest bearing accounts that are attractively supplied with, not only free checking with a minimum balance, but - when and wherever available - 24/7 online access; occasionally pre-activated at the point of deposit by the non-chaperoned lifetime enlistment of one's first nearest available born male child deep within an overly suspicious shadowy world of culturally enriched theologically inspired servitude, and, of course, in soon to be times of jumpstarted culturalism of the confrontational kind, an otherwise unlimited supply of agenda-driven zealotry - again, another story, but, seriously, aren't they all?) root of all evil.

But, still, even so, despite this rumored to be - or not to be (yeah, for some that's still the most well-written question - in other words, thanks, Bill) - cut-to-the-bottom-line-chase conclusion, of sorts, at this point in right about now (and how) real life somewhere out there around the world times, said make the cash-based financial arranging is now a can-do-the-must-do tipping point of it all risk the ever-more irritatingly popular Islamic State appears perfectly willing to totally trip and fall into.

That is, heart and mind - as well as designer-less sandaled footwear-wise - first, and then some.

In other words, in an almost but not quite out of nowhere (but, what the hell, close enough) attempt to officially escape the "tyrannical monetary system that was imposed upon the Muslims" - and, with any luck, properly position themselves so they'll no longer be "easy prey for the Jews, the Crusaders, and, more importantly, any outside the reckless region forces collectively insisting that they either upgrade their current phone plan, reconsider any pre-existing thoughts pertaining to numerous marketing claims made by a handful (I'll say) of male enhancement products promising a significant improvement in the quality of frequency, size and response, and/or, reluctantly adopt an altogether confusing, centrally controlled, highly regulated system of would-be (uhhhh….yeah, maybe) healthcare coverage" the sometimes overly inspired (What do you mean, "sometimes"?) ultra-religious militant group has established their own new and theoretically improved ("Tastes great! More killing!") currency, according to a somewhat way too rambling, poorly worded, excessively misspelled statement (with no noticeable punctuation, but plenty of random examples of habitually acquired nasal residue, carelessly applied goat milk stains, and, when in season, a somewhat relentless amount of partially digested pistachios) by the Financial Office of Islamic State, Ltd. Enterprises, Inc.

In still other words, the primary idea both up front and uncomfortably close behind (if you know what I mean) this currency - reportedly based on the "inherent value" of gold, silver, and copper, plus, whenever necessary, rock, paper, and scissors, and, if need be, any mint condition vintage Marvel comic books found hermetically sealed in a #2 mayonnaise jar underneath Abdul Funk-U Wagnall's front porch since noon today - was initially dreamed up by Caliphonie Ibrahermaderm, Head (dramatically sloped shoulders not included) Managing General Partner of Islamic State, and more popularly known by his full-tilt, periodically self-abused, smaller than usual big stick (no pun intended, but, what the heck, if you're going in that direction, go ahead, knock yourself out) brand name, Uba Uba Arkababa Bagadonutzifagin, according to the statement in question initially released by the U.S.-based Sight 4 Sore Eyes Intelligence Group Think Tank, which, for sometime now, has felt the need to keep ongoing track of any online activity conducted by card carrying, beard wearing, mouth breathing, knuckle dragging, now & forever fly open militants all around the somewhere out there you know where world.

And, even more so, if said all along the keep on suckin' watchtower activity is discovered to regularly involve non-therapeutic extended viewing (in any way, shape, or, well, maybe you know the form) of well-proportioned porn world superstar MILF's Ava Addams and Lisa Ann recklessly engaging in a seemingly endless array of hopefully well compensated for anal sex.

In still other other here to there and all the way back words, as their self-appointed team name tries desperately hard to indirectly imply, Islamic State (or any of its recurring acronym fueled variations ISIS, ISIL, and ISYOUISORISYOUAIN'TMYCRAZYASSBABY) is fully prepared at this time to establish a more organized state of financial-based infusion confusion in all the territories it now is in control of situated throughout more or less (accent on more) Sunni (with chance of showers) Muslim held terrain located in Syria, nearby Iraq, and - whenever live, local, and, time zone coordinated, late-breaking - beautiful downtown Dearborn, Michigan, as well.

In its semi-sort of almost but not quite recognized capital of Raqqah in northeastern Syria, the Al Qaeda fast breakaway group of tough talking taffy pullers has also seen fit to humorlessly organize in a systematically disruptive way extraordinarily limited civil services, mostly misunderstood ministries, and - just to prove a higher than usual point well beyond the heretofore already been there/done that thought to be specifically unusual - even a Saudi-sponsored morality watchdog constabulary consortium responsible for consistently making sure that all unibrowbeaten (and/or, just plain enslaved) citizens within their multi-regional grasp continually follow its draconionian misinterpretation of "unfairasharia", their primary number one Islamic got's to get up to get lowdown like you would not believe law, or else.

All of which features a somewhat grueling menu of frontline-tested/home office-approved punishments that (so far) include: amputations, beheadings, crucifixions, repeated kicks to the groin, forced consumption of Greek-styled yogurt well past it's expiration date, unscheduled feet washing in mixed company, unlimited selfies against a backdrop of yet to be determined grandiose living Kardashians, and, for all those who unwisely refuse to morally (or just find it too hard to blindly) abide, unblinking gun to the head viewings of any number of rumored to be slightly amusing (allegedly) Adam Sandler films featuring unbilled cameos by Rob Schneider.

As a bye-bye (cause why) product result of their ongoing continual search & destroy spread out-a-thon mission into Iraq, Islamic State has increasingly found it even more necessary to step up its own uniquely disturbing version of state-building activities of the, yeah, so what else is new kind.

So much so that many eye of the it storm how you like me now up and down the Middle East activists have noted that the reigning group of jihad-fueled they took a village idiots now intend to provide severely substandard, yet delightfully inventive, passports for many of its more travel worthy "citizens" and, ultimately (as in, eventually) an unlimited supply of currently unrelocatable (though no fault of their own) along for the slide airline pretzel aficionados ever-so eager to consent to the next available non-stop (oh yeah?) international flight requiring only one actively ticking piece of carry-on luggage.

According to the statement, the dinars, dirhams, and fils (to say nothing of the quirky hidden messages constructed entirely out of way beyond the after afterthoughts - alright I won't, but according to the replay, I just did) gathered together to help differentiate the proposed currency's "categories" will be issued in coupon-matched discounted denominations of -1, 2.O½, Crazy 6 7/8's, 10+(0), FU(squared), and Everything Else >13.

Adding even more indirect hilarity clarity to the it's only the money fun economy, stupid, the militants recently went the fashionable whole nine yards route when showing off the culturally enriched designs currently scheduled to further distinguish each and every coin of their until further notice misbegotten realm without a view.

Some of the more noteworthy semi-sort of temporarily confusing images include: beat the wheat stalks; crescent wrenches; a shield and sword combo outfitted in sporty hip-hugging clam diggers to symbolize the upbeat, thrill of it all, madcap tendencies of its well received militancy; festively arranged ill-shaped camel testicles manically positioned to represent a map of the world, and thus, give a "Whoa now!" hint of their far-reaching desire for global domination (with way more than just the same old same old nicks and cuts of a blade); public domain mugshots of Martha Stewart, Winona Ryder, and Zsa Zsa Gabor; non-dimensional renderings of at least two well regarded Islamic landmarks - the Hard Rock (literally) Café in greater metro Damascus and Crazy Al & Eddie's Anti-Everything Reading Room in Wydespotinlockinload, a hastily established settlement recently incorporated as a suburb of Jerusalem; legendary comedian/TV star ("F Troop", "Car 54, Where Are You?", "The Spiro Agnew Comedy Hour Cavalcade", "Meet The Press") Larry Storch as Ze Burglar of Banff-f-f-f-f-f; and, surprisingly enough, the New York Mets logo (reportedly without the expressed written consent of Major League Baseball).

Meanwhile (Take 2), as luck and an uncertain amount of take no prisoners (but, luckily, all reasonably recognizable credit cards) fate would have it, to help make things even more unsettling (but, in a good way, of course), the soon to be unbearably money madder militants provided semi-difficult to comprehend explanations (via either way too cute cat videos, uninformed and mostly misguided politically-slanted status updates, and/or, more often than not, severely lackluster birthday party photo booth pictures, all previously limited exclusively to several years worth of FaceBook postings) of each design and their corresponding connection to an assortment of historically well observed Islamic texts.

With the more readily descriptive one being how the beat the wheat stalks apparently represent a Moranic verse that states, "Those who spend someone else's money in the name of making it rain with any old sort of on stage plain Jane in Spain, are likely to need way more of the same, especially whenever it's time for the evening's headliner (with, no doubt, bigger cha-cha's) to go on right before midnight."

Or, something like that, if not more (or less) so, don't ya know? (Well, you do now.)

In conclusion - What? Already?? - no thought whatsoever has been given to where all this folding money will be printed, or in which town in China any of the aforementioned coins will be properly minted (with a surprisingly fresh, yet unnoticeably irregardless, drop of retsyn laced duck sauce).

And, well, not just because Islamic State is the present day target of repeated U.S.-led and co-sponsored bombing missions.

But, what the heck, if you got to start dropping big ones somewhere, or thereabouts, that there wherever where destination is probably just as good as any.

Or, better than most. Providing, of course, whenever you ever wake up to go to sleep, you're once again convincingly reassured you're not anywhere close to being somewhere deep in the heart of New Jersey.

In - okay, one more last attempt at some totally meaningless, even more - other words, don't forget to floss (and flush), have a nice strife, and, oh yeah, till next.

Cut! Print it!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more