Pope Announces Sweeping Reforms

Funny story written by Auntie Matter

Thursday, 11 December 2014


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Nuns selling "Pensios" Outside St. Peters.

The Vatican is introducing sweeping reforms to its liturgical practice. Mass, benediction and special services, from now on, will be all-ticket affairs.

The "pensio" as the ticket is called can be bought online. Marketing director for the Vatican, and Pope Francis's spiritual adviser, Jesuit Fr. Hans Warburgh, said: "The Holy Father called a meeting of Cardinals to the Papal Apartments last month to discuss the problem of modernizing the church. As the world heads towards a global market society it was decided unanimously we must move with the times."

But what of the poor who cannot afford the pensio?
"Well," said Fr. Hans, "that's just hard shit. You get what you pay for in this life. Everybody knows that. Even Jesus paid his taxes. And I bet you any money the Crucifixion itself was an all-ticket affair too!"

However, for those who cannot afford a ticket or get access to one, it seems that all churches will now be equipped with an outside television screen where the proceedings within the church can be viewed by the outcast. Only those 'blessed' with a ticket will be allowed inside. For an extra ten bucks you will also be able to purchase online what is called the "Fast Track Communion Service Pensio".

Those in a hurry, such as businessmen, Mafiosi, drug runners, crooked politicians and commuters will thus be able to jump the queue to the altar rails on their way to communion.

"All proceeds will go to the poor," assured Fr. Warburgh.

Who could doubt it?

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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