NBA, NFL, NHL, MLB, PGA and NASCAR Stars Compete for "World's Sexiest Trophy Wife"

Funny story written by Douglas Salguod

Wednesday, 22 November 2006


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NEW YORK - A coalition of major sports leagues are set to produce the largest professional cross-sports competition ever, "The World's Sexiest Trophy Wife." Sports historians say this is possibly the first step in creating a cross-sports Olympics for professional athletes.

"The World's Sexiest Trophy Wife" will pit top players from each of the major sports (the NBA, NFL, NHL, MLB and PGA), as well as race car drivers from NASCAR, head to head in a contest to determine whose wife is, as LA Laker star Kobe Bryant puts it, the "sex-sex-sex-iest."

Organizers are quick to point out that this is not just another celebrity golf or bass-fishing tournament with professional athletes competing in another sport in which they are rank amateurs. "And it's not a 'made-for-TV' event, this will be a real competition, that we hope, in time, will be considered no more 'made-for-TV' than the Winter Olympics," said Commissioner of Baseball Allan H. "Bud" Selig, Jr., who then paused. "Perhaps that may not be the best example, but you get my point, I hope."

"The real beauty of this competition is that it brings together pro athletes on a common field in the one endeavor on which they have all focused, at which they are all pros -- landing a babelicious babe," said NASCAR's Nextel Cup winner Jimmie Johnson. Adding, "If you don't think race car drivers are athletes, take a look at my wife."

"But this won't just be another beauty contest," said the Lakers' Bryant, "these women have more to offer than just a pretty smile and stock answers to questions about world peace."

As a testament to that, some of the areas of competition, such as the Champion Sports-Bra-athon, the Hawaiian Tropic Tan Out and Victoria's Secret Lingerie Contest, will be "facial quality neutral" and have "no confounding intellectual content," according to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

But promoters of the competition are quick to say that this is not just about superficial appearance and raw sexual allure.

"The competition also is based on productivity, which will give the wives who are over 25 a shot at the title," NFL Players Union executive director Gene Upshaw, a key figure in organizing "Trophy Wife."

"Looking at baseball's Griffeys and Bonds, football's Mannings, and the potential of hockey's Staal brothers, it is clear that it is in the best interest of professional sports to promote productive marriages. And, as all of our leagues are pro-family, it is not just indiscriminate mating we're looking for, but lasting marriages producing professional quality children," said Upshaw.

"Besides, what was it that Wilt Chamberlain claimed: he had sex with 20,000 women? And how many Wilt the Stilt Juniors are playing in the NBA today? Zip, zilch, nada. Obviously, we support marriage as the way to produce the stars of tomorrow," said Upshaw.

Other areas of competition, such as the NIKE Fan Gear Moment, said NBA Commissioner David Stern, will test character, as opposing fans razz the player's wives until they lose their composure. A panel of judges will judge whether they snapped at the appropriate moment or not, with points deducted for breaking too early -- at the first "Shaq's a big fat roll of jelly," or too late -- such as after the fan derogates, with scatological references, the matrilineal heritage of the wife's spouse.

According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, the "Trophy Wife" competition will be restricted only to the highest level pro athletes who meet strict eligibility guidelines.

Stern listed several key criteria.

Players who married while amateurs, such as San Diego Chargers' QB Philip Rivers or anyone who graduated from Brigham Young University, will not be eligible.

Men whose wives have appeared in nude or semi-nude magazine spreads are not eligible as they may have prejudiced the pool of judges, eliminating Baltimore Orioles pitcher Kris Benson whose wife, Anna Benson, is frequently naked.

Players will not be permitted to enter with their ex-wives, eliminating baseball's David Justice's entering on the basis of Halle Berry or the NBA's Rick Fox's entering on the basis of Vanessa Williams.

At this point, according to Las Vegas oddsmakers, the two leading contenders for the "Trophy Wife" title are Kobe Bryant for his wife, Vanessa Bryant, and Tiger Woods for his wife, Elin Nordegren.

"The World's Sexiest Trophy Wife" three-hour special will be televised on ABC on Tuesday December 19th at 8 pm.

Copyright 2006 Douglas Salguod

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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