Who's what in Ukraine with new scheme for investment and credit default swaps emerging from Goldman Sachs

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Wednesday, 12 March 2014

image for Who's what in Ukraine with new scheme for investment and credit default swaps emerging from Goldman Sachs
Wall Street sees new opportunities in the Ukraine conflict

Always alert for new financial investments, Lloyd Blankfein, CEO of Goldman Sachs, is rumored to be the mind behind a new investment and credit default swap system for the crisis in Ukraine.

That is, the securities and investment management firm will sell investment in various "parties" emerging in the conflict, and will pay interest in the range of 18 - 41% according to the success of a particular party in its efforts to gain control of Ukraine.

The major parties at this time are:

*the West Ukraine (Kiev) party
*the Svoboda (neo-Nazi) party
*the east Ukraine (Donetsk) party
*the south Ukraine (Crimea) majority party
*the Crimea minority parties
*the Russia ("bad Vlad") party
*the Russia paramilitary party
*the Xe (formerly Blackwater) party
*the CIA party
*the Victoria Nuland-John Kerry party
*the EU party
*the NATO party

To determine if these parties are enhancing their value or declining in terms of seeking dominance in the crisis, a Moody's or a Standard and Poor type of rating agency is planned. Triple and double A ratings are expected.

This new rating agency will be supplied by the Wall Street firm Linen and Brown Incorporated.

Linen and Brown will be staffed by rating experts such as Senator McCain, the recently displaced Mr. Viktor Yanukovich, Mr. Erik Prince (founder of Blackwater), and Mr. Vladimir Putin's butler plus several of his nieces.

Mr. McCain has noted that actual war as with bombs dropped and casualties would make the work of the rating agency statistically easier, but even without this advantage the Linen and Brown rating agency as the dominant assessor will make way smoothly.

As to a specific party being defeated or default and outright failure, Mr. Blankfein assures that an AIG type of group (likely WIG--War International Group) will provide insurance.

Savvy players can purchase credit default swaps, with all parties having at least an A2 rating.

To enhance CDS opportunities, more parties or factions may develop, as with the (rumored) emergence of a Yanukovich-Halliburton party.

Mr. Yanukovich is said to be hoping to return to Kiev and replace Gazprom with new American fracking projects as well as gold toilet seats in all public facilities, not just his palace.

Another prospect for a party (possibly) is Mr. Kerry partnering with previous world boxing champion Vitali Klitschko, a man Mr. Kerry admires for his courage in warding off the eggs thrown at him in Donetsk recently.

A representative for Mr. Blankfein explained that although this new program for Ukraine may look Ponzi, it's as sound as anything emerging from Wall Street in recent years back to the crash of 08.

This same financial expert added, "Should anything go wrong there's always, you know, 'too big to fail,' which has worked well in the past, including large bonuses from the public trough."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more