US intelligence scours Putin body language plus items (found) in Moscow hotel laundry for next moves in Ukraine

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Monday, 10 March 2014

image for US intelligence scours Putin body language plus items (found) in Moscow hotel laundry for next moves in Ukraine
Mr. Putin's lungs show indications he prefers Cuban cigars

Inside reports from the Pentagon indicate new methodologies of intelligence gathering are underway in the crisis with Russia's President Putin.

The essential conflict is over whether Mr. Putin's vision to protect Ukraine and Russia's interest should prevail over US and Victoria Nuland's vision to protect Ukraine and America's interest.

US intelligence is now using attention to body language in what is called "movement pattern analysis," as explained by USA Today.

That is, "body leads" can give indication of important thinking and decision making, according to the Office of Net Assessments (ONA).

Each person has a "unique body signature" similar to the singularity of DNA. Thus careful study may yield a crystal ball of probable intention based on the way an ankle turns or a knee bows.

Mr. Putin's famous "steel gaze" with military haircut and chin lowered is of particular interest in current developments, as with figuring out his response to Crimea either going independent or re-joining Russia.

ONA experts have studied Putin's gaze in coordination with the number of degrees to which the chin lowers, and a corresponding "scalp twitch" occurs.

This CT (cerebral twitch) is simultaneous to a "cerebral demonstration" (or moment of decision).

Another clue is "the wayward left elbow" in which the left arm (mirroring right side frontal lobe activity) wags indicating weakness or uncertainty.

Intelligence agencies are also at work diagnosing clothing (found) in a Moscow hotel laundry belonging to Mr. Putin, specifically: a) one dark blue sock; and b) one pair of black boxer shorts.

These items have been subject to DNA investigation in the Hillary Clinton tradition of acquiring this information (clandestinely if needed) as part of State Department protocol for diplomatic relations.

No conclusions on Putin thinking via these items has been released as yet (classified), although the dark blue sock is thought to be part of a mystery connected to a recent appearance of Mr. Putin at the Sochi Games.

That is, his presentation at the ceremony revealed an odd combination of one blue sock and one white sock instead of the expected uniformity.

However, ONA body language and clothing analysts state this clothing incongruity--in combination with degrees of chin lowering and wagging left elbow--is part of a new assessment that Mr. Putin is uncertain of his positioning on Crimea and Ukraine generally.

In immediate response to this diagnosis, Mr. McCain has argued the time to strike in defense of US, EU, and NATO interests with Ukraine is now, and not to be delayed.

Meanwhile, Mr. Obama and Mr. Kerry are reported encouraged and planning to hold interviews with FOX news, CNN, and MSNBC to buttress public support in case a new war is needed.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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