World Mental Health Day: 'No such things as psychiatrists'

Funny story written by queen mudder

Monday, 9 October 2006

image for World Mental Health Day: 'No such things as psychiatrists'
'Dope'll get you thru times of no money better than money thru times of no dope'....

London - (Associated Mess): The broadly-ranging term 'psychiatrist' must be abolished as being a delusional term for a wide grouping of symptoms associated with the pharmaceutical industry's outreach workers who have been programmed to implant over-reliance on chemical solutions into the chronically intervention-dependent.

That is the main finding of the World Mental Health Day Forum which meets tomorrow amid growing media concerns that the medical profession has produced a hybrid form that stigmatises people as being violent, dangerous and untreatable.

But the announcement has been met with some skepticism by scientists who still maintain that these specialists exist in order to deal with the delusions, hallucinations and disordered perceptions of reality among their own ranks.

Their spokesman has noted today that "although the term is scientifically meaningless, it does group together a whole range of different problems under one label", and is proven to encourage the widespread use of drastic biomedical interventions without which the pharmaceutical industry would have gone down the pan a long, long time ago.

The main thrust of the Forum's campaign will focus on the message that the obsolete term "psychiatrist" must now be acknowledged as "scientifically meaningless, clinically unhelpful and ultimately damaging to patients/customers.

"It's associations with violence, dangerousness, unpredictability, inability to recover, constant illness, constant need for medication, interminable whining and an inability to work is a profoundly stigmatising label", continued the Forum's spokeman.

"And the concept that people can be healed by licensed practitioners advocating the use of presciption medication is contentious.

"Anybody who's ever read 'Fat Freddy's Cat' in the "Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers' series of ethnographs will be familiar with the universally applicable mantra:

"Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope."

The notion of obsolescence will be put to a vote tomorrow at the Institute of Psychiatry which is seeking legal advice regarding to the validity of its own existence should the motion be carried successfully on the Forum's opening day.

Their Emeritius Professor of Disorderly Studies will be kicking off the day's proceedings with a debate on "How do we really know we exist?" and will be calling expert witnesses from the pharmaceutical industry to testify to its own behalf for the continuing need to hire specialist staff to create dependence zones in otherwise totally unprofitable sectors of intervention-dependent society...

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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