Cardinal laughs off Ratzinger unholy mess

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Monday, 2 October 2006


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image for Cardinal laughs off Ratzinger unholy mess
"Bah, humbug! A few fibbin' altar boys"

Westminster Cathedral, London - (Associated Mess): Archbishop Cormac Murphy O'Connor today laughed off 'ludicrous' claims made by a UK television documentary this weekend that his boss Pope Joseph Ratzinger ordered a life-long child abuse gag policy, blaming the over-active imaginations of a few pesky altar boys who had clearly imbibed too much holy communion wine.

As the row climaxed and threatened to develop into a full-scale Papal slanging match of a magnitude dwarfing the recent Muslim-bating fiasco, a relaxed and smiling O'Connor teased the UK press today camped outside his orifice.

Some still managed to barrage him with awkward questions, however, following the eruption of the furore surrounding allegations of the Vatican pedophilia-gag exposed in the TV documentary last night.

"Absolutely no truth in it whatsoever", beamed the charismatic and utterly credible senior UK Primate as the thronging reporters jostled to question his denial stance and wholly predictable defence of Joseph Ratzinger's seminal career-move policies of the last forty years.

Meanwhile in Rome, the Vatican's Office for Insults, Smears, Innuendos and Slander (ISIS) continued its traditional stonewalling policy and bluntly refused to discuss The Ratzinger Directive policy which has been accused of ordering a total blanket denial of any sex abuse cases within its ranks since the death of 'God's Banker' Roberto Calvi in June 1982.

Last night's TV documentary alleged the existence of vital paperwork that instructed senior Church officials to suppress any mention of child sex abusing employees, shuffle any perpetrators off to alternative parishes where potential abuse pickings might be slimmer and generally keep up the denial banter whenever asked awkward questions by the police, social services or relevant child protection agencies.

A whistle-blowing former ecclesiastical lawyer, Father Tom Doyle, has alleged that the current Pope has been at the head of explicit Vatican policy directive to whitewash evidence against abusers and destroy the credibility of their accusers.

However, officers of the City of London task force that has painstakingly investigated the Calvi 'suicide' under London Bridge in 1982 may have the last laugh in this ongoing unholy row that climaxed on UK public network TV.

Their own ultra-low profile policy of the last 25 years has ensured that the machinations and membership of the notorious P2 Lodge - a satanic paedophile cult club - have remained a classified secret until a UN task-force, under the aegis of NATO's military intelligence directorate, is ready to pounce on the covert network of sex abuse fiends who have morphed themselves into highly respectable positions in public life as part of the Global Piss Process initiative.

This may be the final nail in the proverbial coffin for General Augusto Pinochet, 91, currently under house arrest in Santiago, Chile awaiting trial.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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