ALWAYS buy a ticket: Act 2, Scene 1

Funny story written by queen mudder

Tuesday, 3 October 2006

image for ALWAYS buy a ticket: Act 2, Scene 1
Operation Pin-Down at a South London station today

London - (Associated Mess): The War on Terra took on a sinister new twist in London today when ticket inspectors at London Transport's Strategic Logstics Unit brought down a suspected fare-dodger using an Operation Kratos-inspired pin-down throttling technique that originally culminated in the firing of eight bullets at close range into the skull of Brazilian electrician Jean Charles de Menezes in 2005.

Newly-trained transport snoops were under orders to implement a Stop-And-Search policy ordered by London Mayor Ken Livingstone who has vowed to stamp out illicit acts of random ticket abuse in his drive bring order to the chaotic world of commuting.

The technique used on the hapless target at a subway station in South London today may be part of a US-sourced training manual advising the optimum methods for extracting money from the great unwashed public which is too mean to subscribe to any of the official novel digital schemes to pay for their journeys.

And despite the ££££££££££££££s spent by London Transport publicity initiatives persuading customers to buy one of their new-fangled 'Oyster' travel cards from its new-edition of Mollusc travel initiatives, today's scene shows that the commuting equivalent of a barnacle is still rife and polluting the balmy waters of the Mayor's master plan.

A spokesman from the LT's commuting inspectorate was quick to react to the publication of the grim scenes today by stating categorically that despite the presence of an unidentified object seen under the ticket snoop's arm - which some have alleged may be a sinister new weapon first used on Taleban enemy combatants at Guantanamo Bay - that at no point during this morning's procedures were any stun guns, tasers or semi-automaic hand-held firearms issued or used in the successful pursuit of the apprehended fare-dodger.

Today's events have brought a sharp reaction from human rights lawyers in London who warned that the sinister policy of assumed guilt before due process is typical of the disastrous 2005 De Menezes operation mentality and that today's pin-down target may be a victim of a massive abuse of Geneva Convention rights:

"We might be talking compensation for grevious bodily harm, intent to suffocate, violation of the right to protest against unjust commuting fare price increases, traumatic stress and related charges.

"We might be talking millions."

But aggrieved commuters who witnessed this morning's successful pin-down were bolshy in their praise of the transport snoops who caught their man today:

"Give them a medal I say, George Cross maybe.

"This fare-dodging vermin scum is costing honest travellers like us an extra £££££££ each year and the bleedin' heart apologist liberals who defend the bastard's human rights to fare dodge are the same neo-fascist Tory-voting *!***!s who abolished hanging, compulsory military service and free school dinners."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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