Blunkett: affair drove me to the edge of sanity

Funny story written by queen mudder

Saturday, 7 October 2006

image for Blunkett: affair drove me to the edge of sanity
40A and Blunkett in happier days

London - (Associated Mess): Disgraced former UK Home Secretary David Blunkett admitted today that the ending of his disastrous affair with Kimberly 40A Quinn had actually had some unforseen benefits. For despite the generally unfavorable outcome of getting dumped, the end of the passionate fling somehow rewired his brain and brought him back in touch with a reality that many years of prescription medication had failed to deliver.

Blunkett has revealed his innermost failings in a new autobiography ghosted by designated disaster-limitation Whitehall mandarins who are under pressure to disclose classified information about their reckless former boss's presentation of the intelligence dossier in the run-up to the Iraq war under the 9/11 Freedom of Disinformation Act.

His claims that Britain battled with the Bush Administration over dismantling Iraq's entire administrative, policing and security systems have been met with derision after former psychiatric workers assigned to deal with Blunkett by Whitehall medical sources told the press that the whole Bush/Blair invasion masterplan details had been drawn up in minute detail at their Camp David summit prior to the 9/11 attack on the World Trade Center.

But the formidable pressures and stresses of long-term lying to the public, fabrication of Iraqi security intelligence and constant dodging of the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police's awkward questions about personal contacts in the world of organised crime all merely exacerbated an existing pre-condition that many years of anti-psychotic medication had failed to eradicate.

Approximately eight out of a total of nine chapters in the autobiography deal with Blunkett's dismal apologia for the farce that ensued when details of his doomed affair with Kimberly 40A Quinn became public knowledge.

In all, some five thousand words are devoted in the book to generally whining and moaning about how depressed Blunkett became, how the stresses and pressures of sleeping with his guide-dog Bouncer kept him awake at night and how "being asked to sign Government warrants in the middle of the night" when everybody knew he didn't have his special contact lenses in was tantamount to Guantanamo-style torture.

A final chapter on his second fall from grace in November 2005 also hits a moodly note when Blunkett admits that having to resign from his Work and Pensions Secretaryship was a heavy blow. Especially when the Parliamentary standards watchdog made him flog some £15,000 worth of shares in a DNA-testing company which he as Home Secretary had appointed as official Government contractor for disputes in the Familiy Division of the UK divorce courts.

The final nail in that particular coffin was the eventual bankruptcy of the bio-scams company in which he invested his savings.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more