Gingrich Shocks GOP, Seeks Ron Reagan Jr. as Running Mate

Funny story written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 12 May 2011

image for Gingrich Shocks GOP, Seeks Ron Reagan Jr. as Running Mate
A much thinner Gingrich, posing after his third marriage

Despite having some edge in the republican candidate race by virtue of some name recognition, Newt Gingrich hopes to strengthen his appeal to moderates and cross over progressives with his announcement of Ron Reagan Jr. as a potential running mate.

Shocking the Republican National Committee as well as the bevy of uncharismatic candidate hopefuls still littering the floor of the Greenville debate forum, Gingrich appears to have recognized his unappealing flaws and filled those cracks with the addition of Reagan. "Newt knows full well that this is an uphill battle", says Gingrich's personal advisor, Cynthia Welland-Dowd. "He needs to set his candidacy apart from the growing pack of Dan Quayles by teaming up with someone who can help soften his conservative stance".

Critics argue that Gingrich went too far to the left. While he is the son of arguably the most popular conservative republican president in the last 50 years, Ron Reagan Junior is a self proclaimed liberal and left wing progressive. "In fact, he quit college to join the Joffrey Ballet, claims to be an atheist, became a liberal reporter on Air America radio, and was even invited to speak at a Democratic National Convention. It doesn't get much worse than that", says RNC former chairman Michael Steele.

"But it's the smart choice", says Welland-Dowd. "Where Newt has an uncommon name, Reagan's is widely respected. Where Newt has a few marriage skeletons in his closet, Reagan has been married to the same woman for 31 years. Where Newt is all about politics, Reagan donates his time to charities and other social awareness programs. While an uncharismatic Newt stays back in Washington, a personable Reagan can be our face to the international community. It's simply a perfect combination. Oh, and Ron isn't fat either".

"Sounds like a conservative, socially conscious, family-value oriented running mate to me", says Democratic Party analyst, Darius Walker. "Except that he's a DEMOCRAT". Walker added; "Thank God for guys like Gingrich. It makes life in 2012 much easier for us".

In a related story, Reagan was stopped outside of his Seattle Washington home earlier today and asked for comment on the Gingrich announcement. Reagan, who indicated that he had not even been contacted by Gingrich, responded with, "No. In fact, make that hell no".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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