Following the Federal Court's ruling to strike down the military's "don't ask, don't tell policy," soldiers have started coming out of the closet in record numbers.
"Entire platoons are telling us they're gay!" lamented Marine Corp. Gen. James Conway. "The few straight men left are demanding reassignments."
"The strong!" shouted one gay marine who wishes to remain anonymous. "We're so sexy in uniform," he explained.
An anonymous survey circulated to military bases revealed that 80 percent of respondents enjoy same sex partners.
"These figures are outrageous," said Conway. "Nothing like this has happened since Sparta," he stressed.
President Obama has refused comment.