NEW ORLEANS, LA - BP and federal officials claim that this latest effort could, maybe, quite possibly have some chance of working and that this isn't yet definitely, totally the end to civilization and all life on Earth. Hopes were slightly lowered, though, when even under-the-table-paid spokesperson retired Coast Guard Adm. Thad Allen spoke, calling it "good news in a time where that hasn't been very much good news, but it shouldn't be a cause for premature celebration."
Company officials earlier said the static kill alone might be enough to plug up the oil, which began gushing from the sea floor after the Deepwater Horizon rig exploded and killed 11 workers, but the only surefire way to make certain the well is permanently plugged is to fill it also with mud and cement via the relief well in a so-called "bottom kill," said Allen, the government's point man on the spill response. The relief well is set for completion as early as Aug. 11.
Fortunately, though, Allen has given hope to the many who are too foolish or just too uneducated to realize that there isn't that much mud or cement in all the Earth to stop this blunder of biblical proportions. Even Thad Allen is starting to realize that the money that BP has been paying him isn't going to do a tinker's damn for him when he's burning in hell for the lies. Some have said that he's started considering the truth that Cal-el WAS a prophet of God sent directly to them to offer the Earth one final chance to repent and escape destruction.
BP now acknowledges that the rumor about Cal-el is true and they knew it all along and probably shouldn't have deceived all of mankind, but in their defense said, "Hey, we're BP. We're in league with the devil. It's what we do."