H&R Block Hires Disgraced BP CEO Tony Hayward: "How lucky to find Block. I'm great at not responding to disasters"

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Thursday, 29 July 2010

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H&R Block's new logo will be introduced with the new slogan: "H&R Block. We Sh-t on People."

H&R Block has surprised absolutely no one by hiring embattled BP CEO Tony Hayward, just weeks after the resignation of CEO Russ Smyth, and the hiring of former / current /soon-to-be-former CEO Alan Bennett.

Hayward, the public face of British Petroleum when the company put a hole in the world and couldn't cap it, decided to leave BP (with his $930,000.00 annual pension) and never work again.

Until he began researching H&R Block.

"I couldn't believe what I was reading," said Hayward, from his yacht in the part of the Atlantic Ocean that he didn't ruin. "The skill-set needed to be an H&R Block CEO is right in my wheelhouse."

"H&R Block demands that you don't react to threats to profitability: I can do that! Block demands a lot from its rank and file employees, while executives can f--k up crazy. Any doubt I'd fit in there??"

H&R Block's Board of Directors universally OK'ed Hayward's hire, based on his answer to one interview question:

"We gave him a hypothetical question: 'What would you do about Turbotax siphoning off Block clients?' said Block Board Chairman Dickie Breeden. "His answer was brilliant!"

" 'First, I'd have a giant containment structure built. And, if that didn't work, we'd use explosives, then golf balls, and old tires, and giant booms made of hair' he said."

"Frankly, all of those ideas were nuts," Breeden said, wiping sweat from his brow with HRB stock option certificates. "But it's better than anything we came up with."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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