Boston Police Department Puts Gorilla on Administrative Leave

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Thursday, 30 July 2009

image for Boston Police Department Puts Gorilla on Administrative Leave
"Rebel" had only been with the department for two years before he went completely bananas.

BOSTON, MA - A gorilla employed by the Boston Police Department has been placed on administrative leave after he threw feces at homeowner Henry Louis Gates Jr.

The 410-pound, 14-year-old male known as "Rebel," who has a sign language vocabulary of more than three-hundred words, reportedly became agitated when a member of his troop exerted territorial dominance at the home of Gates, then had his claim called into question.

Tearing off his police uniform, the knuckle-walker pounded his chest furiously and bared his teeth, screaming as he charged the Harvard professor before stopping short and pelting him with several handfuls of feces.

"Rebel" then signed several sentences of "jungle monkey gibberish" before proceeding to trash the department, scattering hundreds of files until subdued by a tranquilizer dart.

The behavior raises questions concerning quotas in the department; gorillas share nearly 99% of their DNA with humans, so liberal loons in Massachusetts had rallied for years to include the highly intelligent primates on the force.

The Boston Police Monkey Patrol Association issued a release stating, "The actions of this gorilla in no way represent the ideals held by other dedicated primates who proudly serve the Department."

"Please, try to understand," said Police Chief Silverback as he picked a bug out of the hair on his leg, inspecting it closely before finally popping it in his mouth. "We're doing the best we can with what we've got. It's a jungle out there, folks.

"Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo... Hah!! Hah!! Hah!!" he added. "Thbbblbblbbffftth!!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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