Harvard Prof., Henry L. Gates Jr., has a Rap Sheet with Campus Police

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Thursday, 23 July 2009

image for Harvard Prof., Henry L. Gates Jr., has a Rap Sheet with Campus Police
America: Where a Black Man's home is still his castle, unless he forgets to lower the drawbridge in Cambridge, Mass

Cambridge, Massachusetts - The new alleged incriminating evidence comes as Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. is attempting to clear his name, after being arrested for causing a disturbance at his own home, when Cambridge police responded to a reported burglary in progress by a neighbor. And he is mentioned by name in a news conference by President Barack Obama as an example as to the current state of race relations in our nation.

Video from security cameras, documentation as well as testimony has surfaced from that separate incident, which occurred on the Harvard campus some month ago, where the professor currently holds a teaching position.

The video clearly shows the professor being arrested by Harvard campus police in the teachers' lounge, after someone reported a brown paper bag lunch taken from the refrigerator.

"Yeah, I went undercover for that sting," recalls Ron Blankenship, Harvard Campus Security Chief that claims the professor has a rap sheet as long as his arm in his department. "I remember it clearly. I personally code-named that particular covert operation: 'Got Chocolate Milk?"

Chief Blankenship went on to say that although the professor was acquitted on all counts at the University's famous moot court, proceedings where the professor represented himself, the missing brown paper bag lunch has never been recovered.

"We couldn't produce it into evidence, because we never recovered it," said Blankenship reaching behind him into a cooler for a bottle of milk. "At least not at the scene of the crime. Although I was able to introduce circumstantial evidence, photos I took at the professor's home -- The same one he later tried burgling with an accomplice."

At the moot court trial, Blankenship showed dozens of photographs of greased stained brown paper bags in a trash receptacle, leading him to conclude that the professor is a serial lunch snatcher.

Ironically the same security camera footage that was used by campus police to sensationalize the mock trial, later cleared the professor of all charges as digitally enhanced images of the arrest showed one of the officers planting a crumpled up brown paper bag in his back pocket, while he was being booked.

Fortunately, the professor had the presence of mind and funds to submit the planted brown paper bag to DNA testing at the campus laboratory.

The results of which made the closing arguments of the professor a Perry Mason moment.

"May I approach the bench your Honor?" said the professor making his opening statement to his closing argument as recoded by the University's media and drama department. "You hold in your hand the DNA test results from the brown paper bag allegedly recovered from my back pocket. Do you not? As you can see the DNA test markers clearly identify that the grease stains on that brown paper bag contained at one time a tuna fish sandwich. Does it not? Yet the lunch reported stolen from the refrigerator in the teachers' lounge was said to have contained a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Did it not?"

"He may have gotten away with it for now," said Blankenship, pulling out a greased stained brown paper bag from his desk top drawer, which contained a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Then after removing a piece of chewing gum from his mouth and sticking beneath his chair, he continued talking. "But we're currently working on an open case against the professor as we speak. I'm not at liberty to go into details right now. But I can say this much about it. It evolves 'ABC' gum reported missing from underneath several of the students' chairs in the professor's classroom. Need I say more?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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